2013! Woot!

I'd hoped to have had more time to impart more of that common sense wisdom 

that very few of you seem to pay attention to

 but the real world, 

she's a cruel bitch mistress.

 

Funny That You Can't Laugh About...

Magnums, some guys actually need them. Some of you just don't.

Slimy Time... Is That A Sex Thing?

Ah, it's been so long I may have forgotten what we might have been doing here...

How about fantasies? Fantasies are fun. Healthy. Did I mention fun?

Pure Genius

J-Wunder tells it like it is

"You Gotta Fuckin' Try"

Different people need different medicine. Which is cool because not everyone is going to find David Deida accessible. Though you can't "get with" a third stage woman if you don't become a third stage man... 

Gimme Some Lovin'!

Now, why would I even try to express this when it's already been distilled so succinctly into a handy, bite-sized meme you can carry around in your pocket, providing your device has the ability to "do" pictures...

Mmm, Your Comforts Are Delicious

Whoever it was that said

Whine and Bitch Some More, It's Sooo Hawt!

Real Talk 
available 24/7 
via the world wide web ;)

"Whaaaa, whaaa, entertain me Mommy!"
That's what your whining sounds like to me...
Just sayin'

Dearest Darlings, and Trolls, too,

Where Are All The Boner Stories?

That is a fine query for a sunny Friday...

Dirty Laundry

Sharing laundry facilities with strangers is more than a little gross. Or it's exciting, if you have a pantie fetish

Humour Is Subjective

"Sense of humour" is usually in the top five characteristics people use to describe mateworthiness of a potential partner.

Tag, You're It!

1051(ish) distinct combinations of characters

Unfocused...

I was recently given some feedback, delivered by a man who was still trying to convince me to go visit him, in Cambodia, and with an invitation thoroughly based on nothing, in that we haven't yet had a genuine conversation, and he knows fuck nothing about the kinda crazy I have tucked up my sleeve, and let's not forget I am in Canada, eh, that my writing was unfocused and that I needed to take a writing course before I'd be able to get people reading... Is it because my sentences aren't seven words long, as per the standard guidelines of writing for those whose reading comprehension is at a sixth grade level? Is it because I make commas my bitch and slut them out all over the damn place?

"Have A Nice Day!"

This ain't real reality but some alternate, based-on-parts-of-a-true-story, reality where no fewer than seven conversations become one story. A place where the fantasy life you try to pass off as reality, online, is combined with experiences that have happened in the real world. My own and others. Not everyone is sexually repressed. Just sayin'.

Sex still sells, and we all know that's why the hit counter is where it is despite the fact that there aren't any gaping vaginas or exposed titties on display here.

Crushing Defeat For the Perverts

Too much stupid, not enough time...

If you care to read all the madness

For The Love Of Vagina, Ottawa

From "365 Days For Choice"
The Radical Handmaids gather today in Ottawa 5:15pm
In Support of Vaginas Everywhere

Wednesday September 26 5:15pm Ottawa

The Radical Handmaids are organizing a gathering tomorrow, for those opposed to "everybody" all up in a lady's coochie. 

What?

Awesomeness Saturday September 29

This event is for all the slutty, literate types in the Ottawa area on Saturday Night. And those who appreciate them.

Type, Type, Edit, Type, Edit, Edit, Type

"Some words"...  apparently, it doesn't matter what they are... Um, what? 

The blue words lead to other words, some of them erotic in nature. Try it. You'll like it. Unless you hate lesbians. 

So ya, here're some pictures to tell the story again.

Simple Town

"Every picture tells a story, don't it?"

Sometimes it helps to read the words in, beside, under or around the pictures.

Muscles

When you work with words, about sex, people take all kinds of liberties with boundaries employing uncouth behaviour that wouldn't come up under other circumstances... I think. Or should "hope" be the verb there? Probably

Real Pictures

Damn, I guess asking for dicktures,
for the dickture article,
could be a bit like me wishing cancer on your dick.
I really didn't mean it like that...

You can find all the erotica
right here. Blue=link ;) 

Fuck man, I hate to break it to you but photographs of my, or anyone's, heaving bosom

Weekday Update

No worries, I'm still a dick on the Internet.

Note To Self

Discuss...

Random Pictures

Type some stuff, la la la. 

In all the seriousness it is humanly possible to muster,

Ask A Hot Chick - 8

Ask A Hot Chick is a popular sport. Much obliged, and I'm finally purging the shitload of media I've stored in various places. You're welcome, I know how much you love pictures.

Lazy Fucker

I don't mean "Lazy Fucker" in the classic sense of the term.

Name Dropping

I read an article quoting William Shatner as saying "What's Twitter?" so I guess I'm following a faker... Lame. Even lamer that I can't remember if it was actually Shatner or someone else. Fuck it.

My question 

Love Letters

Do you know how much shit a lady has to tread through to find the funny shit?

Irony Is Ironic

This fine Monday is entirely too fucked

Ask A Hot Chick - Seventh Heaven

Q: Sensei please tell me what women want to hear on messages from men on this site.

A:  I broke your question into two parts, for the sake of brevity, which we all know is fucking impossible for me. And to be able to use the bit where you called me "Sensei" twice.

Six Inverted Six

Happy Soixante Neuf... soixante neuf is "69" for those of you who don't know the language of love, or haven't seen Talladega Nights.

When you learn about sex from the Kama Sutra, the sixty nine seems boring

Naked Titty, With Real Raspberry Flavour, Prize

Shit, hot damn, wow fuck!

Safe, Sane and Consensual

Whatever two, or more, adults choose to get up to together, to get off by, is really nobody's business. In fact, The Man will enforce indecent exposure laws, which were probably designed to make certain it's nobody else's business.

Safe, Sane, Consensual. That's all

Writing Adult Entertainment...

Jefferson Airplane was absolutely right, when they wailed, "It's no secret, how strong my love is for you." It's certainly no secret that I love writing. LOVE IT. In a way that words can't express... that'd be where I'd toss in an "lol", if we were texting. 

Um, What?

Life As A Chick On The Internet shows us, quite clearly, that it really doesn't matter what you say, where, when or why. Probably part of the reason so many women give up on online dating. 

Further proof of that theory, that it really doesn't matter

This Fuck The Artist Fetish Is Amusing But Not In The Same Way Good Sex Is Amusing

So, here's the thing, a hot lady who uses a picture of cleavage as the brand image to peddle words that focus on sex and sexuality is bound to be the target of more than a few attempts at a date. That came out wrong. Target is too charged a word to be the most accurate there but fuck it, a word laid is a word played, on this fine day. Come to think of it, maybe it is most accurate.

A Long Weekend In Bed - Little Blue Pill

I've been in bed all weekend. Hot to the point of feverish and most definitely steamy.

Strange Shit People Say

This is the shit you won't learn in ESL class. Like the way North Americans will sometimes use the expression "fuck you!" affectionately. The tone of delivery indicates most of the meaning. In print, look for the use of "smileys", "lol"s and "haha"s to determine if you're being loved or hated in any moment.

The Simplest Answer Is Usually The Correct Answer

Do you feel that most everything is fucked today, despite your valiant efforts to produce a less sucktastic day? 

Help Wanted

You've definitely always wanted to change the world, I can tell that about you just by the way you cock your head just so, as you read this. And I have an opportunity for you in that regard, because I care about your goals. It's my

Meet The Artist

My stunt double is taking a much needed leave of absence after you twats drove her mad with your stupidity. That's shitty for her but excellent for you because the chance of a lifetime is rearing it's beautiful head as a result.

The debate about my status as a hot chick or a but'erface is the hottest topic in all your tabloid magazines. 'Cause y'know, whether I'm pleasant or unfortunate looking has a lot of bearing on whether or not I can compose a fucking sentence. Or a regular sentence. Makes perfect sense.

Ask A Hot Chick - Six

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Proposals

No, thank you, I wouldn't like to get married to you. I appreciate the invitation but I almost guarantee you'd hate your life even more than you do now, if I was your wife. And I do guarantee that you're not the wife for me. I'd put money on it.

It has nothing to do with your mom

Oh Vagina, How We Do Love Thee

Vadge
Coochie
Cunt
Pussy
Vajayjay
The Almighty
Pink Canoe
Beaver
Poonanny
Poontang
Cock Pocket
Hoohoo
Bearded Clam
Birth Cannon
Pink Sausage Velvet Wallet
Cooter
Vertical Smile
Snatch

True Story, with Pictures

I wanted to settle some rumours about this whole thing. And I know that pictures tell the real story for many of you, so I threw some photographs in, too.

Legitimate Rape?

Illegitimate rape must be where the illegitimate children come from... things are making a lot more sense now.

What could I say about this dumbass that The Onion hasn't said better?

Warning: Fuckface Ahead!

Dating Law #37

A Bright Idea

Ain't that the truth...

So, I was all, "Fuck this, I'm going to buy a lamp..."

"Hi, I'm A Dirty Fucking Liar, And Dumb As Fuck, Too! Wanna Hook Up?"

"I'm a material girl, living in a material world"... I don't love Madonna, don't hate her but I definitely don't love her. And it'd be more apt to say "I'm a looking-for-blog-material girl, living in a there's-blog-material-everywhere world" but it just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Ya, I'm a fucking dickhead using social networks and online dating venues to peddle these here words. I'm gonna get the fuck all over YouTube at some point, too. Wait for it, it'll be... awesome. We're working on a photo series, too.

NSFW - Master and servant

Excerpt

~with a gorgeous stranger. He had an interesting view of my midsection where my shirt and blazer had lifted slightly from the hem of my skirt. I wondered if it was riding high enough to show my stomach.

Signals: The Where To of How To, Booty Styles

I'll talk to anyone, it's just the way I am designed. Zero fucks given.

I'm a closeted stand up comedian so an audience, any audience, invokes my funny bone. Add to that the fundamental concept that laughter is the best medicine, and that in some twisted parallel universe I am a

Ask A Hot Chick - Five

Q: I think I've figured out that I was avoiding "getting out there" by trying the online dating thing...

A: I think that your logic , to try out for the Online Dating Olympics, is sound. The odds are kind of fucked with the numbers in play, males 95, females 5, 3 of them pros, 1 BBW and 1 wild card. The wild card may have 5 kids or a husband. So, it's 95 to 1 or 2. So, that one or two percent is proof that not everything is too good to be true.

TGTBT

Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees. It's a fairly normal bit of human stupidity. But the old saying "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is" exists for a reason. Broken down into lawyer speak, it translates into "This is the common rule but there are exceptions."

Because this blog is all about booty and how to access more of it

This Is Crazy

My Future Fiance and Ex-Husband (<-click that, it's a world of wonder)

Imma Writa YouTube Debut, Booyah, Nakedness

You know how "they" say "Thank Cleanliness It's Friday"? Ya well, today is like the best Friday of all time.

I know you've all been dying to see video footage of me,

Ask A Hot Chick - Fore!!!

Q: What do you think of male cross-dressers... I'm not gay!

A: A lot of cross-dressers aren't gay, not sure why you mentioned it with an exclamation point... don't care.

It's a little bit like that time

Ask A Hot Chick - Three

Paraphrased Query: Something about something, blah, blah, blah.

Things I Don't Know

Despite, or perhaps because of, all my mad wisdom, I openly admit there are still a few things I don't know.

One of those things is the reason why so many people ask me questions they should be asking their doctors,

Curiosity Killed The Cat: DTF That Guy

Bobak Ferdowsi's Plenty of Fish profile is blowing up by now. He's hot, he's fun, he's smart, he's all of a sudden famous, and damn, look at those lips!

Why am I 75% prepared to fuck some strange man with a fruity haircut? Well, firstly, it's more like 92%. I know it's 100% but to appear realistic, I left the window open 8%, just in case our pheromones don't mix well, or he finds  my jokes lame, or we have wildly opposing sexual preferences.

I'm definitely DTF that guy!

In No Particular Order, Top Ten Reasons I'm DTF Bobak But Won't Give You The Time Of Day:

Lady Gaga Nipple

Okay, there is no disputing it! That is Gaga Nipple.

Pics? NSA?

The number one slot, coming in just ahead of sport fucking as the number one male fantasy, is photo sharing with a babe.

Disclaimer

It seems that everything I say needs to come with a disclaimer... I won't get into the reasons you let your filters lead you to believe I am saying things I'm not. It's Saturday, I need a manicure before I can type at you about my sexcapades of late so you're going to need to blast through your own filters today. Blow your own

Fluff

1- My #lesbian #lover said I was overdue to fuck somebody, or at least have #sex @danieltosh again  http://donorsforboners.blogspot.ca/2012/07/future-ex-husbands-and-how-to-use.html

Ask A Hot Chick - Two

Respect is probably a little too much to ask considering we live in the real world and everything.

Anyone with a more balanced Hotness Measuring System
is welcome to defend this more than I care to.
Oh, wait, you already did...
right here.
Fucks given about anyone's approval: ZERO.
It's paramount to my hotness.

Reviews From The Nut Gallery - Two

People are still shy to comment openly on the posts and Facebook and shit. Or I'm a twat who makes private conversations public... you'd think that'd stop a certain number of people from talking to me, or at the very least sending me dicktures that I'm not allowed to use here... It doesn't.

Ask A Hot Chick - One

"Question: women think I am kind and great yet those comments always come from attached women. Why is it so difficult to find a sexy amazing woman who is single who will actually like me? Apparently those women all find me too average"


Well, I hate to have to state the obvious

DFB Has An Exciting New Feature

stolen

stolen

Inspired by comedian Paul Mooney's "Ask A Black Dude", I'm injecting a new segment into Donors For Boners: "Ask A Hot Chick".

Sexy Poetry...

My favourite husband and I were talking about, none other than the great and magnificent,

Juicy...

Here's a tricky one that'll be sure to

These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things

"Cleaning Out My Closet" While I Work On "The Next Episode" of "Pimp The System"

My "portable music device" dock has decided it can't face this world any longer.

I'll be honest, this is the greatest challenge I have faced this week and

Guns and Nuts

Now, don't misunderstand me, what happened at the Aurora theatre showing the latest Batman flick is fucking horrific. The physical pain and psychological terror isn't something I would wish on your worst enemy. I don't have any enemies so I couldn't wish it on them. No, I mean I don't. Other people may feel and report differently about it but I am master of my domain only. 

Naturally the gun debate is back on, as if it ever really ends. I know you're on the edge of your seat wondering: Who do I think is right?

Kinky Jizz

This may be the most important thing I ever share with you...

Best Friends, Tosh Talk, Censorship Bears, Free Speech... for some

Do you know who hates when artists get paid more than people with shittier jobs? Other artists, apparently.


So, I've been a little distraught because of the fight Daniel Tosh and I had about his ugly shoes. It wasn't really a fight, but it was our first disagreement and I guess our love had been blinding us to the realities of human relations a little. 

Just like getting banned on that writing forum this morning,

Obtusity Chameleon Warm-Ups: Sexy Time Pros(e)

Investigations make guilty parties feel uneasy. Though they make innocent parties uneasy, too, in a different way. For example, prostitutes. The ladies of the night, or the nooner depending on their shift,

Hater Vision and Even More Rape Talk

It seems that rape talk is all the rage these days, and you know me, always a follower... or human pun delivery system. Krusty the Klown says, "Hey Jerk. Puns are lazy writing!" but he's a clown. But I am a bit of a jerk. 

Clowns, rape talk, jerks, it just goes on and on. 

This week it's the fucktard Toronto Sun tabloid that's using the Letters To the Editor to help spread the good word that

Beauty, Prowess, Success, Fuck You: Baby Daddy Sues Baby Mama For Ugly Baby

It took a few years to hit failblog.org and get everyone talking about the  gene pool injustices we face. And it took me even longer to actually sit the fuck down and type at you about it. I've been busy.

For those of you even more behind the times than I am, all of the copied and pasted articles say the same thing; Chinese guy has a beautiful wife and they make a  fuck ugly baby. He's pissed. She admits to $100,000 in plastic surgery. He sues her for false pretenses, and wins.

The Porn Song

Since we're still going on about my Love's moral fibre deficiency, I'd like to

Pizza/Courtroom Porno, Take 1

Are we still talking about what's awful(ly funny in context)?

Le Weekend: Confessions

You know who's

"Not Guilty, That's How I Stay Filthy"

More Rape Talk: Creeps of all Ages

Let's set this up with the "half plus seven" rule. Or the"double minus seven" rule if you're on the other end of things.


What?? You don't know about the 1/2+7 Rule? I'm here for you. If you're Fuck Informed already, skip down a few paragraphs, this part'll just be a refresher course for you. What's "Fuck Informed"? ... Oh God, please don't tell me you think about sex this much and haven't done any research on our favourite topic. Seriously, how can you spend so much time thinking  and dreaming about anything and know nothing about it???  S'ok, I'm here to help you get "Fuck Informed", I'll stop judging your ignorance long enough to help you kill that ignorance. I'm a humanitarian like that.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy: Help Wanted

Real Problems

I think if I read one more tirade about how evil Daniel Tosh is, I may throw up the load of come I swallowed earlier.


Yesterday I mentioned our forthcoming marriage and our fantastically weird sex life, in great detail, and I've been too busy, picking out china for our skeet shooting reception that will follow the ceremony, to comment on what amounts to

Future Ex-Husbands and How To Use The Internet

I can help but think it,
It's the only thing keeping me on the fence.

Wrong, Soldier. My half-assed commitment to heterosexuality is impervious to all this grossness. It's like saying that because I saw some really disgusting people out there today that I am off sex forever. There are plenty of -9 asses wearing Lululemons outside of yoga studios. Plenty of greasy, pregnant looking men following along beside street cars and leering at nubile young things with 4% body fat. That couple who would read the bible and then make out like teenagers... Fuck, their memory makes me throw up in my mouth a bit.

What kind of twisted fuck am I to assault us all with that imagery? Probably some kind of fight or flight mechanism to preserve my status as a cock lover

WTF? DTF? SWM? MWM? ffm? BDSM? WTF?

Okay, I just read the funniest shit ever. I'm hoping it's composer will come in on guest blog duty with it. Fucking hilarious to the point that words escape me in trying to describe it to you. Yes! Words escaped me.

The best description I can give is that it's kind of an inside joke thing between non-chodes. The closest real world, ready reference I can come up with would be

20 Questions

The dicktures article is on the back burner. I guess you've been saved of the horror of dickture exposure by the scaredy cats who got real quiet when I actually asked. Even though I know you're kind of dying to see. It'll have to be more organic than all that, the shock cocks don't want to be recognized or something.

I decided a game of 20 Questions would be more fun. 

They're in no particular order, the computer decided everything. It's an open book test. The real answers to your real questions. The pictures make everything more fun.

"Can I borrow a feeling?"

It's kinda funny that when I actually ask for dicktures, you guys get all shy and quiet.


Is it that you enjoy the risk of being exposed,

Reviews From The Nut Gallery

This is what some people are saying, to my inbox, about Donors For Boners. I'll continue to add comments here cuz y'all are afraid to comment publicly. It's okay, I gotcha back.


I could have easily made this another entry about

Really Real Reality

In all honesty, I could grind it out faster if I wasn't so busy molesting myself and/or sport fucking strangers.

Y'see, just as it has always been suspected, women with incredible breasts really do

DTF

Dear Diary,

I finally met Steve, the "hot guy on ten". I didn't just meet him,

Male Genitalia and Video Games

A penis is a lot like video games on Facebook.

The longer you play, the harder it gets. But it's not

Facebook Creepers

You know those times when you're lurking on Facebook and you see a friend of a friend comment on your friend's post. So you click on their profile and creep their pictures. And then you see someone who is so hot you want to eat them

Anal

"99 Problems"

Well, that's not actually true. Only two posts in and these bitches want to turn me into Dear Abby... hot.

Bitches, I do love you and I'm genuinely sorry your problems exist, or that you're too dim to avoid them. If I had a magic wand, an actual magic rather than the euphemistic penis you'd be offered in a lot of other venues, I could wave that shit and happily ever after could be yours. Maybe I'll check out E-bay and see what I can do. In the meantime, you could attempt to:

-avoid going out with someone if you think he's a loser. Granted, you don't always know until you go out, but H, you knew in advance of The Date that you had no interest in the guy. "Free dinner" is a shitty excuse to go out with

Wanna Chat?

"Wanna Chat?" And other Freakquently Asked Questions...

A conglomerate (of men) and I were having this conversation. Approximately 18, 000 times. It's slightly paraphrased for flow but this is pretty much how the conversations go, give or take. It just kinda blurs into a single idiot in my head. They really don't distinguish themselves from the other idiots that well because the conversations are so remarkably similar that they might be using the same script. 

Ladies, or guys: if you have an amazing man (or two, or whatever your fucking slutty deal is) in your life, go fuck the shit out of him right now. Right now!! If you're on the rag and don't "do" period sex cuz it's against your religion or some shit, go suck his dick until he blows all over your goddamned face. If you just got your tongue pierced and are still riding out the 6-8 weeks, give him the best handjob he ever had, or take it in the ass. If he'in another country send nude ass pics to his phone, straight up phone sex, do whatever you gotta do to give that man some booty treasure.

Friends With Benefits

Pay no mind to the fact that by adding the make-up and hair, I  made this bitch look like a trannie.
I stole this from the Internet from someone else who stole it from the Internet.
We're both fucking assholes.
But if you've ever wondered why girls are always willing to "pretend"
to be each other's lesbian lovers on bar night... the truth is:
It's not pretend.

Excerpt--


...watching her perfect ass in the shorts as she went for the plates. I ran my finger along the silk babydoll dress wondering when she would put it on and how high the hem would be on those sexy legs. "What are we watching?"

"Porno, that way we won't have to follow the story too closely." Grabbing the remote control and tossing it beside me on the couch, she said, "Find us something funny. Or with car chases." She started undoing her

Hand Job Advice

Please help. I'm from LOCATION OMITTED. I'm 23. A student. And broke.

I took a massage course 2 years ago. My friends say I'm really good at it. I thought I could make some extra cash if I advertised to cheap massages. I'm not RMT so I charge less. It's hard work and OMG,  laundry.

I saw your post about being on the Internet. I thought maybe you could help me. It's like everyonewho responds wants a hand job. I just keep telling them I have aboyfriend That's true. But I don't know what I am "saying" that makes them think that. It's awkward and sometimes scary... I'm at some guy's place and he wants sex and I don't... I just try not to think about it. Maybe I'm being a baby...

I'm trying to make some cash... 

FML 

LYL, 

Hand job advice... did ya catch that one, massage, job you do with your hands... fuck, never mind...Where to even start on this madness? 

I think it's fair to say that most of us probably don't ask our grocery clerk to install our windows, hold our nuts while we bend and cough, or teach our rotten teenager Algebra, or any job, other than "grocery clerk". Fuck, we don't even ask them to come home with us to put the groceries away or cook dinner. "Just fill the fucking shelves, wheel that shit out to my car, I'll say thanks and I'll see your cracker ass next Thursday!"... right?

Life As A Chick On The Internet

It was hot inside the club, the DJ wasn't inspiring the urge to dance and there wasn't enough booze in the place to make me wanna fuck any of the patrons, so after bidding my bitches adieu, I went home early on Friday night. I was a lil drunked up and figured I would throw down some hours typing out some content for this here blog. But the booze was inspiring Starter's Block and I couldn't figure out what to write about. I came to the brilliant conclusion that I could post online and ask for ideas.