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Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Things I Don't Know

Despite, or perhaps because of, all my mad wisdom, I openly admit there are still a few things I don't know.

One of those things is the reason why so many people ask me questions they should be asking their doctors,
or could be asking Google. Perhaps it's because you find my highly unscientific paraphrasing is just that hilarious and insightful. And free... Or maybe you're a lazy fuck, attention whore. Could go either way. Or both.

But lemme tell ya, the least appealing aspect of any human being (male, female or trannie) is feigned helplessness. Sometimes we're all just that stupid that we don't see the obvious. And at those times, it's great to have real friends who will point out our limited perspective and pursuant obtuse behaviour. And then laugh with us about it. The truly great friends will also help with rolling around in the bedroom, naked. Or mostly naked, if you just can't wait to get at each other.

There's a radio song with the line "If I wanted a child then I woulda had a baby!" regarding her experience of the man she's addressing in the song. I think. I haven't actually listened to it, just laughed at the line and tuned it the fuck out. The line reminds me of the feigned helplessness, emotional manipulation tricks, I've seen tossed out as bait to try to hook a bitch (male, female or trannie). I should find out what I am referencing but you can Google those lyrics as easily as I and you can enjoy your opportunity to have information I don't.

Babies actually are helpless, they don't wear big girl panties yet so they're exempt. With the exception of some, though not all, types of extreme mental, physical or emotional retardation, anyone who's not a baby isn't helpless anymore, just in need practice. 

Asking for help and acting helpless are entirely different beasts. Below is an exercise, extracted directly from reality, to help you fully understand the difference. Choose which statement is asking and which is acting:

Him: Odd request cuz we're just FWB... 
Him: will you come over. come sleep here and hold me?
Her: Why is that odd? It's usually how it goes...??
Him: I'm drunk. My gran finally passed away.
Him: just want to feel something different.
Him: I'll probably want fuck u later too
Her: :( sorry to hear that. Is your mom ok? Are you?
Her: It's all good. I'll text you in a bit.
Her: lol, it's usually how it goes ;)
Him: I'm all sappy.stupid drunk. Just come over. 
Him: sorry, drunk
Him: text bomb
Him: sex bomb
Her: omw
Him: come see me. distract me.

Him: Hey, you never called?
Her: Who is this?
Him: Name. met for coffee a few months ago.
Her: Oh hey, Name. Still busy with work.
Her: I thought we agreed we're looking for different things?
Him: I just thought you'd call me again. See where it goes.
Him: Can I come over?
Her: I'm at work. I don't feel the way you do.
Him: It's okay, baby. I'll come after work.
Him: I really want to see you. Get to know you.
Her: Name, thanks, but I'm still not interested.
Him: I can show you a really good time.
Him: Trust me. I can make you happy.
Her: Working.
Him: My cousin died.
Him: I don't really know anyone here.
Him: I'm really upset.
Him: I think you should give me a chance.
Him: You're really sexy.
Him: I just think...
Her: Are you drunk? I'M AT WORK.
(It was at this point that we commandeered her phone...)
Him: No, baby. I've been crying all day.
Him: I'm so upset.
Him: I don't drink.
Him: You can drink if you want. It's okay, baby.
Him: u r really sexy.
Him: I can't stop thinking about u
Him: You'd really like it. I promise.
Him: If you just let me come over... we could have a lot of fun.
Him: It's okay, baby. It's the weekend, we should relax.
Him: I can help you relax.
Him: You'll thank me.
Him: I'll lick you down there. Make you feel good, baby.
Him: I thought you liked me. We get along.
Him: u r really sexy.
Him: We could have a lot of fun.
Her: K, how about this? I'll leave my door unlocked and handcuff myself to the bed frame. Do you like a girl who can deepthroat? Fancy a titty fuck? Pound my pussy with your throbbing cock? Balls deep in my ass?
Him: Ya, you like that?
Her: Sure.
Him: Anal?
Him: What time?
Him: Where do you live?
Him: What time, babe?
Him: You're going to be really happy.
Him: I've never done it.
Him: Do you really like it?
Him: I can't wait to try it.
Him: u r really sexy, babe
Him: What time u want me to come over?
Him: You'll like sucking it.
Him: u want a pic?
Him: Can you send me a pic?
Him: You have a dirty pic for me, baby?
Her: (Photo of dirty hands after gardening)
Him: u sent the wrong pic, babe
Her: What did you get?
Him: Garden
Her: (Photo of dirty hands after gardening)
Him: Same pic of hands.
Her: Oh, okay. Right pic!
Him: u have a dirty pic for me, babe?
Him: want to see it?
Him: send me a dirty pic, baby. I'll send you one.
Him: u want a dirty pic?
Him: It's still just dirty hands.
Her: Dirty as they come
Him: Babe, send me a dirty pic. I want to show you.
Her: Show me what?
Him: You know.
Him: Send a dirty pic and I'll show you.
Him: Let me see you.
Him: u r so sexy
Him: u r going to have a lot of fun, u will see
Him: Send me a pic, babe.
Him: I'll show you.
Her: Show me what?
Him: My thing
Him: u wanna see, baby?
Her: You can't even manage the word "penis".
Her: Your thing has no chance.
Him: What do you mean, babe? u want to see it?
Her: Vagina
Her: Sex
Her: Dick
Her: Titties
Her: Pussy
Her: Fucking
Her: Penis
Her: Penis
Her: Penis
Him: What do u mean, babe?
Her: Cock and balls.
Him: u wanna see?
Him: Babe, what do you mean?
Him: u there?
Him: u wanna see?
Him: Send me a dirty pic, baby
Him: please :)
Her: See what?
Him: u know, babe.
Him: u want it, eh baby
Her: Want what?
Her: If you aren't old enough to say it, you aren't old enough to use it.
Her: I thought you were 35.
Him: I am. 
Her: I thought your cousin died and you were really upset.
Him: Ya
Him: what time u want me to come over?
Her: I'm at work
Him: That's okay, baby. u can make it up to me

Brief interlude to get back to the point, I think this article  might help your particular quest for relief from the ailment that is impairing your use of search engines, be they Google or otherwise.  It covers a lot of other shit, too, which might be of use to some other folks for a myriad of other reasons. 

New Year's Resolution, Fashionably Late: From now on when someone asks me a question that Google can answer better, I'm sending them that body-building link. Alternately, ask a real professional, not a "dribbling over-sexed cougar", though I will reveal the secret to my great abs at some point.

Ya, I'm pretty proud of the new title. Meowwwpurrrrsonna... much more apt for this project than "incurable toss pot", though that one's a more accurate reflection of reality. 

Speaking of reflections, mirroring is all I'm up to. And it serves all your voyeuristic preferences in ways that you didn't even know existed as I expose the seedy underbelly of Life As A Chick On The Internet, all to help you get your game on point so that you can get more action, more quality action and more quality of life in general... that makes me one altruistic motherfucker. I can now see why you thought I might like to come over and help you please your wife sexually but I'm really not that altruistic. The rumours are kind of true, I'm kind of a jerk.

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