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Monday, 27 August 2012


No, thank you, I wouldn't like to get married to you. I appreciate the invitation but I almost guarantee you'd hate your life even more than you do now, if I was your wife. And I do guarantee that you're not the wife for me. I'd put money on it.

It has nothing to do with your mom
disapproving. Moms tend to like me, I'm charming like that and I'm a kitchen wizard when I bother... y'see, there's a lot more to wifery than being hot. Or you'd still be with that "bitch ex-wife" of yours, right?

Sometimes it's those pro-choice ideals that I hold so dear. For some reason, some people don't like that I think you should choose for you, and I should choose for me. Not just about birth control, but about everything. In prison they tell ya when to eat and sleep and shit. As far as I know prison sucks all around and fearing vaginas will not make them go away. Thinkin' you know what's best for anyone's vagina but your own makes you a stupid twat egoface and while Jesus may love you, everyone else thinks you're an asshole. With atrocious English language skills.

Sometimes it's that I won't tolerate behaviour in an 80 year old that I wouldn't tolerate from an 8 year old. You act like a shit, you get a time out. You act like a hypocrite bigot, you get called out. I don't give a shit if you were raised old school where anyone said "N*****" and "Fag" without getting beeped. (See, how "Cracker" doesn't get beeped when I say it, 'cause I am one... South Park) I don't care if you don't have much time left on the planet, we're all fucking dying, Bitch. Ask me how many fucks I give about what your God says about dudes who fuck dudes? My God says you're a pervert for thinking about cock so much.

Sometimes it's that, in all sincerity, I propose ideas like Gravy Wrestling for the upcoming XXII Olympic Winter Games. I didn't think it would be great for the Summer Games, and we'd have to wait too long to watch these pure athletes wrestle in that delicious gravy. 

Real gravy. Though we will need some time to work out which animal's fat we're using to make it, so many religions to consider keeping happy. The vegans are going to be pissed, I know. But this is a quality issue. We can't expect people to take it seriously if it's gravy from a package. I know I wouldn't.

The Olympics Committee said that if we can get enough signatures on the petition to add this new, very Canadian sport to the roster, they will make the arrangements to find the babes to wrestle for us. I know there are some gorgeous specimens out there who want this opportunity, don't thank me yet, just sign that petition!

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