"Hi, I'm A Dirty Fucking Liar, And Dumb As Fuck, Too! Wanna Hook Up?"

"I'm a material girl, living in a material world"... I don't love Madonna, don't hate her but I definitely don't love her. And it'd be more apt to say "I'm a looking-for-blog-material girl, living in a there's-blog-material-everywhere world" but it just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Ya, I'm a fucking dickhead using social networks and online dating venues to peddle these here words. I'm gonna get the fuck all over YouTube at some point, too. Wait for it, it'll be... awesome. We're working on a photo series, too.

I know how you Bitches like the pictures, so y' don't actually have to engage in anything to get off... and you wonder why your wife won't fuck you anymore.

I digress. Online boondoggles are a fucking shit show for women. If you haven't been paying attention, it's the basis of this whole blog, with a lot of smut thrown in casually, here and there, randomly. Highest proportion of self-entitled assholes has to be found on Ashley Madison, though there are probably proportionately more pros trying to sell ass there, too. I dunno. But they're all pretty much the same, you post a profile and you get fucking bombarded with messages. Often completely retarded messages, as can be observed by clicking that link. You gotta filter through a lot of shit to find people worth talking to. To say nothing of the relatively few guys worth fucking.

So, you get good at paying attention to profiles so you waste less time (I said "less", not none) chatting with tools... the pun will become apparent. It's true that if a guy looks fat, sloppy, or evil, in any combination, they will get far less attention from ladies online. Seriously boys, do you try to chat with the unfortunate looking girls? No? I didn't fucking think so.

What was my point? Oh ya, dirty fucking liars who are too dumb to be anything else... unfortunate really. And mildly unfortunate for this guy that I love HGTV. Ya, I fuckin' said it, loud and proud, Bitches! It was the preview channel at some point in the past when I had a TV. Good, good times... probably why my girlfriends always want me to be the guy in the relationship. Damn these tangents.

I say mildly unfortunate, for him, because he did get to be a star on Donors For Boners for a minute so that's pretty awesome. Though, if you've been paying attention, I only give shout outs to those who are quite awesome or quite sucky, no fucking middle ground with me... so, it's still unfortunate, for him, because he sure isn't in the awesome line-up.

Without further adieu: More Stupidity Girls Encounter On The Internet.

This picture is a bit of a spoiler.
If you look closely under the shady header,
it says something about "Nice pic".

Hmm, I recognize that TV guy?
Who can help this poor damsel in distress?
Aha, The Internet!
...just like a zombie,
only wants me for my brains,
and is there for me, day or night.

Dear Google, Who is that hot, handy, bald guy on HGTV? Sincerely, Imma Writa
'Sup Imma,  It's Bryan Baeumler. He is dreamy, huh? See you soon! xo G

(That is exactly how the conversation went down, in case you were wondering.)

Ya, I went all teacher red pen on ya here.
When you use a fake picture,
everything you say is called into question,
even more than people on the Internet who aren't known liars.
"Known", 'cause... everyone on the Internet is a model or a millionaire.
Or both.

Here's the breakdown on this Fake As Fuck Profile:
Relationship Single... Not by choice (see arrow)
Sexuality Straight??? Not called into question at all by using the dreamy Bryan Baeumler's photo to represent yourself...
Appearance WTF muscular? You fat, mofo. BMI = 28.3 = fat, unless he's a body builder... The answer might be Short Guy Syndrome, which could actually go along with the body builder thing. But most likely: Fat (see arrow) and a known liar, hence not getting laid.
Children I'll donate sperm if you'll fuck me. Please!!!! (see arrow)
Smoking Crack doesn't count, does it?
Drinking Socially = Fall Down Drunk
Education Beauty School Dropout
Language English/Fluent enough to lie
Work Reasonable... I live in my mom's basement but I spend all my money on takeout food and prostitutes so I can't seem to get first and last together...

Wait, WTF?
Even I, of the technologically retarded,
know that if you have a webcam, it's entirely possible,
and easy, to snap a still of your fat self, any ole time...
Was that a sneaky way to suggest us having a "cam session" together?
Directly after I called him out for being a dirty fucking liar?
Damn Cracker, you bold as fuck.!
Baby, you and me ain't gonna have nothin' together beyond this silly conversation.
"Boy" was a little condescending... on fucking purpose, Dirty Liar.

It'd be awkward if this really was Bryan Baeumler's "cheating on the wifey-poo" account... I'll have to re-tag it as investigative journalism and shit. Maybe I'll try to get buddy's number and forward it to @Bryan_Baeumler so he can personally thank him for the flattering gesture. So much work. It'd be crushing for all of us if it were true that way, about the cheating. He seems so wholesome. It's probably sacrilicious to have his beautiful face on this blog at all.

Probably better to just let him know that there's somebody out there in Viewerland who thinks he's dreamy. Not me, the guy using the picture on that profile... Me, too, but this time I'm actually not being an Internet Pervert presently, I reserve that for Daniel Tosh. Because I am devoted.

Pop Quiz
How many times I have walked away, upon meeting someone who isn't the same person as the one in the picture I saw: Every time. Every fucking time, B! 

How many times I have gone on to meet someone in the real world that I caught lying on the Internet: None. No fucking times. 

How many more times do I hang out with someone, after they're found out to  be liars: None. No more fucking times, and no more Fucking Times, for fucking sure.... if you'll lie about the size of your dick, you'll lie about fucking anything. Lame.

Some bitches like a dirty liar. I'm not one of those bitches. I'm one of those bitches who'll post your stupidity on the Internet but I don't chill with lamewads who can't accept their particular brand of lame and embrace that motherfucker like it was the last hooker available on a Thursday night.

Conclusion: You're a fucking idiot if you use a fake picture and expect people to talk to you, let alone meet you. Kids will fall for that shit, but they're kids, they're supposed to be dumber than us...Keep it up though, I love this material world I'm livin' in... ya, this post had nothing whatsoever to do with Madonna. Lame. False advertising of sorts. My bad.


Weekend Update (Not to be confused with SNL's "Weekend Update"):

All kinds of awesome when one of your TV heroes gives you a high five on Twitter
Apparently, it was awesome week on Twitter, 'cause the Ghetto Genius high fived me, too!  

*Reference -funny 'cause it's posted in 'Home & Garden', when we was just now praising all that is good and holy about HGTV. Goddamn, Google, you got my back... creepy.