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Sunday, 26 August 2012

Oh Vagina, How We Do Love Thee

The Almighty
Pink Canoe
Cock Pocket
Bearded Clam
Birth Cannon
Pink Sausage Velvet Wallet
Vertical Smile
Snatch matter what you call it or which way you slice it, "Only Women Bleed".

I bet you never thought you'd hear me reference our old buddy, Alice Cooper, but there's a lot of things you've prolly never considered... I'm here for you, for all that, and more. And I've been listening to the classic rock radio so suck it up, I'll be droppin' the hiphoppin' names again soon enough.

How I managed to go two months, one week and two days without foisting bloody vagina talk on you is a fucking mystery. I was probably going easy on you. Not today friends, it's all about bloody vaginas... classy.

If you're a new bleeder especially, and even if you're a seasoned bleeder, iPeriod is the best free app you can find in The App Store. It keeps track of everything. And by everything, I mean everything: Start date, end date, next date, cycle, symptoms and there's a bleeders forum where you can find out lots of shit you may not have wanted to know about vaginas. Ladies are pretty open about vagina talk among other ladies, forewarned.

Pages and pages of the shit, I wouldn't lie about something as serious as menstruation.
There's also the "Love Connection" so you can keep track of the guys you've fucked, and when. Seems like a lot of work to catalogue all those dicks but it'd definitely help to narrow down the Baby Daddy question if you're in that boat. Mostly, it just means you never need to pay attention to the calendar. If you go on a bender and lose a few days, no worries, iPeriod lets you know if maybe it's time to piss on a stick

"Piss On A Stick" refers to home pregnancy tests...
If I was a guy with a lady friend I liked to fuck, I would download this app so I could keep track of it all, too. Doesn't really matter 'cause we're all crazy anyway, allegedly. But it might help you to understand why it seems extra crazy... A guy once told me that he thought every woman bled when the moon was full. No irony whatsoever. 50 years old, married to a doctor for a while, and yes, he thought that the movie Ginger Snaps was an accurate portrayal of lady business. I actually asked him if we was kidding and he looked at me, sincerely puzzled, and said "Isn't that how it is?"

Best Free App Ever!
The thing is, I don't need an app to tell me my sweet putang is soon going to taste like nothing you want to be eating, my body tells me. And the effects of my extra pheromones and hormones are more than obvious in all the extra attention I get from sperm transporters at a certain point in the month. That's how I know I'm not knocked up, the egg rents a neon billboard to advertise it's availability to fulfill it's biological imperative in sustaining this stupid species, to every sperm in a four mile radius.

Maybe it's that I don't notice people almost driving off the road to ogle me when I'm not Ova Ripe, but my friends have seen it, too, with the obvious query that usually includes "WTF is up with you, today? You're dressed like a fucking bag lady and everyone and their dog seems to want to fuck you. WTF dude?" And plenty of other women I've talked to about it have observed the phenomenon of the available ova's powers to attract sperm attention. Maybe you've simply noticed that possessive jealous guy of yours is even more possessive and jealous.

No hyperbole here. If you're a chick, of ovulating age, watch what happens around you when that fucker, smaller than the head of a pin but powerful and mighty like a thunderstorm, is ready for sperminating. You can literally wear jogging pants and a sweat shirt and it won't fucking matter. If you pay attention to male attention at this crucial time in an egg's life, you'll notice men who wouldn't normally be all up over your shit, with a mixture of lust and disgust spread all over their faces, eye fucking you at every turn.

It's kind of really funny. So very many times I've wanted to appease the tortured look in the eyes of a straight-edge man who is obviously conflicted with his uncontrollable urge to bang me, despite our obvious incompatibility, by simply saying "I'm just ovulating, you don't have to worry that you're going insane." 

I'm an artist, code for free-spirit. I don't try to be different, I just can't understand the Joneses and what the fuck they get up to, 'cause it ain't my thang. For a man who has an image of women as compliant and pliable, all sweet and lovely good times, I'm a bit of a challenge. Too outspoken, too stubborn, too confident, too everything that isn't what he had in mind for a vessel to get his dick wet. 

People who've actually thought beyond the tits and ass end of the compatibility scale realize that personality, values, even political and religious leanings, and many other factors will influence whether or not they can get it up for someone. For some minds the fact that I ramble on here as I do is incredibly hot and it has nothing to do with the erotica. For others, the feelings of pure disgust are unmistakable, no matter how awesome my cleavage and abs are. Ask me how many fucks I give, I dare ya.

Specifically I've noticed that Suits, religious zealots and Conservatives in general (That's Republican, for you "Murrican readers.) really don't dig my shit. Love me or fear me, there's no in between in this game. Although those of you who've found yourselves filled with a certain amount of scientific curiosity about me might qualify as middle ground. If you're objective like a proper scientist.

But no matter how objective we think we are, biology can pull mad tricks out of it's sleeve to try to conspire against us to make babies. Like tits that get fuller and more awesome every day until your cunt blows chunks that month, extra juicy pheromones that carry even farther in the wind, horniness that steadily increases in intensity until the last second that egg is available to be inseminated. All to attract the sperm of the usually unavailable Religious Conservative Suits. We also get more sensitive to smell so we can sniff out the pheromones the boys are putting out to convince us to use their swimmers over someone else's. Hot.

The most unmistakable part of all of that trickery is that sex feels better when you're prime for impregnating. The hyper awareness of your body takes sex and intimacy to whole new worlds that weren't there last week, and won't be again next week, no matter how great his dick is, it's just the truth. There's also the consideration that sex cures menstrual cramps, now why do you think that is? Fuck you, Google it, or wait till I get all mad scientific explanation on your ass another day.

Even the energetic composition (aura) is slightly altered to radiate more fantastically, as proven by the fact that women will also notice you more when you're Ovumus Prime. Whether that's a cellular level signal of the delicacy with which to approach the vessel, or a direct manifestation of "As above, so below" in the creation of life game that women get up to in their goddessness, it all boils down to the human system's remarkable processes.

The vagina is a self cleaning organ. On a fairly regular schedule it literally flushes out all the unused crap and starts fresh. Clean slate, blank canvas, every time. It's actually a huge blessing in a messy crotch disguise because it can remind us to ditch all that shit we had been using, now that it's not needed. 

I'm not saying all women are that emotionally balanced but it definitely gives us an advantage having the physical reminder of these cycles of life. If you're willing to devote the awareness to yourself, you can flush out a lot of other unneeded crap with the same regularity. Even your shitter works better when you're extra womanly, admit it. 

Unless you're trying to knock up your lady friend, you should celebrate the shit out of the day she gets her period every month. Give her a card that says "Thanks for being smarter than biology and trumping that egg again, Lover. I love not being your Baby Daddy!!" Give her a massage, rub her feet or back or face or whatever she asks you to. Pat her on the back and cuddle the shit out of her to show you appreciate her being smarter than her ova and your sperm. Make her some goddamn tea and give her some drugs, her pussy will be edible again in no time and you can do it all ova again next month. 

Chances are good you'll get extra laid if you're extra nice when she's extra sensitive, just sayin'. And if you don't fuck when that pussy is bleeding... haha, whatever, everybody is entitled to be stupid in their own ways. Do whatever works for you but it's definitely not against my religion, though it is against my religion to fuck anyone whose religion is against period sex. Period. Fuck me now or fuck me never, fucker. 

For the record, I'm not trying to recruit BBW lovers to love my skinny ass either. Just do what you do and you'll find people who are into it. It does require being real though. Also, just sayin'.

This was going to about what PMS feels like when I'm living in the body that's having it but another day, another entry 'cause I gotta go out to the barn to bleed now. I'm just kidding, I'm going to go clean stuff, that only bothers me when I'm full of woman goo. It's a fucking great system for me, I'd never clean otherwise. 

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