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Wednesday 15 August 2012

Signals: The Where To of How To, Booty Styles

I'll talk to anyone, it's just the way I am designed. Zero fucks given.

I'm a closeted stand up comedian so an audience, any audience, invokes my funny bone. Add to that the fundamental concept that laughter is the best medicine, and that in some twisted parallel universe I am a
pleaser and a helper, and it's not difficult to see that I am peddling an agenda just like everyone else. My motives are different but at the end of the day, it's all the same shit; you're born, you do some shit and you die.

Some folks are hung up on those three elements of the human condition. In varying proportions, with varying focus, depending where we're at. Specifically we're here to discuss The Lovin' part of the "do some shit" part of the human experiences so I will, because I'm faithful like that.

Tuesday Highlight:
Getting retweeted by http://ghettogenius.com

Curiously enough, yesterday, after referring you to Slug and crew (@Atmosphere)'s song, and J-Wunder and crew's words, for insights into the wonderful world of gettin' some booty, but before getting retweeted by @MrJWunderful himself, which was indeed the Tuesday highlight here at Literary Boners, Ink, I had an incident at the market with a lady who misinterpreted my similar diet as a pick up attempt after I'd made some hilarious remark about fruit and then migrated to the next fruit section, following the same rhythm the supermarket set up for all of us to follow, just like cattle... that was a long sentence. It'd make a little more sense if you listened to that song I referenced, above and yesterday... have you figured out that the blue highlighted bits are links? "What does that do, blow your mind?" 

That last link is unrelated as far as content goes, just quoting a source. Those functions exist mutually at times, too. And even if the link says www.free.lookitboobies.youpaynow.com on this article... just click it, you'll see. I only want you to read my other erotica... I'm a jerk like that. I've committed to posting more erotica when the blog hits 69,000 page views. Being here right now helped that. You must really like the erotica.


I'm almost certain it's not that kind of a Ho Train but we can all dream.

Anyway, now that you're back from enjoying that Atmosphere song, and all that delicious smut... this lady with the similar diet got all awkward like a sixth grade dance and I was really glad to shake her in the veggie aisle. My entire day could have been called "Too Much Medicinal", and so, very much like a royal sketchbag, I'd kept my sunglasses on inside as well as avoided looking anyone in the eye just in case. 

Did I mention the sweat pants? That I was wearing... ya. Did I mention the number of fucks given? I get as much attention wearing the "just came from yoga" costume as when I am dressed for the slutty circus. Confidence is appealing, so by not giving a fuck, the opportunities to fuck go up proportionately. It's not a secret that desperate stinks like... desperate.

All this to set up the unMissed Connection I'd write if I was inclined to write one: 
Bitch, please! If I was trying to hookup with your dumpy ass, I'd be obvious about it. Like giving you my number after saying something about mixing up our supplies into some extraordinary culinary experience... and then trailing off, flicking my eyes between your lips and eyes and then sneaking a breast appreciation glance into the mix. I know I had sun glasses on but trust me, my pupils were not dilated, despite wearing sunglasses inside... no offense, one love and all that.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach but it's pretty true of chicks, too. Works almost every time. And apparently The Place To Be, to cruise eligible looking fresh meat, is the grocery store, between 17:00 and 19:00 ish, on weeknights. Lots of guys to be found in the 22:00 to 23:59 on any night but there's a good chance that they're having a "Too Much Medicinal" day themselves at that point in the day. Or they're no good with planning. Or they're otherwise antisocial in general. I know I only shop at midnight when I am feeling particularly antisocial... just sayin'. The highest proportion of age appropriate women seems to be on public transit at any time of day on any day. Where the fuck anyone hangs out outside of work and those above mentioned places is still anyone's guess. 

It's a pretty good policy if you dig your gig.
More than your dick.
Porn stars get the best of both worlds. in that respect.
There are so many people, who don't go to church, or fuck at work, or go to bars, wondering where to meet people. Grocery Land, Bitches. It's a little healthier than drunk hookups at a bar... being a bar star is an awkward story to share at family functions, "we met at the grocery store" sounds far more wholesome...

This whole shitty story about the lady who thought I was flirting with her in Grocery Land was all to lead you here because it seems you just can't hear it when I say it. That should be your first clue that I'm a chick... just sayin'. 

p.s. Happy Hump Day Fuckers!


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