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Monday, 27 August 2012

Meet The Artist

My stunt double is taking a much needed leave of absence after you twats drove her mad with your stupidity. That's shitty for her but excellent for you because the chance of a lifetime is rearing it's beautiful head as a result.

The debate about my status as a hot chick or a but'erface is the hottest topic in all your tabloid magazines. 'Cause y'know, whether I'm pleasant or unfortunate looking has a lot of bearing on whether or not I can compose a fucking sentence. Or a regular sentence. Makes perfect sense.

But now that my stunt double is enrolled in the Rubber Room School, there's no body available to meet all you fantastic fans who offer to show me a good time, thinking that I might be "The One". Actually, I'm not sure thinking ever factors into it.

I'm pretty sure he meant "Why can't I see your face?",
rather than "Why can I see your face.",
which clearly sounds like the beginning of a great poem.
So, here's the thing. I feel a little bad. Not bad enough to send you a personally addressed e-card featuring a photo of my naked tits, but trust me, bad enough

I don't mean about the stunt double. I mean, I do feel for her. But she's getting a sweet vacation, doesn't even have to feed herself, they give out pills like candy and she doesn't have to deal with stupid questions any longer. She thinks she's on the beach in Mexico... It's hard to feel badly for someone who is having a sweet ass vacation on the beach. 

What I do feel bad  about is that the 100,000 pages viewed anniversary came and went, with the only acknowledgement being an almost insignificant blip on Twitter.

I even made the picture smaller than usual as a visual cue.
So, it's not that I didn't acknowledge all of your hard work, coming here looking for titty pictures, it's simply that it was a little too low-key in terms of adequately expressing my true appreciation of the 12% of you who come back and read all this bullshit. The dicks who don't come back won't be reading this so I'm not going to give them a mention. Shit, I just did.

I thought 250,000 page views would be more worthy of a substantial celebration. Very recently, I was even talking to The Sweet Marie herself about contests and giving mad shout outs to our fan faithful at certain intervals of perceived importance. Fucking milestones, eh.

Based on the exponential growth in traffic, and the fact that we've reached and surpassed the goal to reach 100,000 by August's end, far ahead of schedule, I think it's probably realistic to assume that the Meet The Artist Auction winner can probably expect to meet me by the beginning of October.

What? Meet The Artist? Yes, fuckers, writing is an art so "artist" is apt. Oh! You meant, "What? I might get to meet you?" Aha. Clear communication is important.

The current winning bid is a bag of weed. A fairly substantial bag of weed. If there are any cops in the crowd, maybe you could give us a street value for that, so that the rest of you could get your bids in. 

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