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Thursday 13 September 2012

Six Inverted Six

Happy Soixante Neuf... soixante neuf is "69" for those of you who don't know the language of love, or haven't seen Talladega Nights.

When you learn about sex from the Kama Sutra, the sixty nine seems boring
compared to most positions. The ancient "Guide To Doin' It" also offers a lot of practical advice about sex. The two dimensional drawings look somewhat like human caricatures that have been flattened by a steam roller but they do effectively convey the idea that the Missionary Position, with the lights off, isn't the only way to win the orgasm prize.

Being that this is entry #69, I thought we'd celebrate with a tip of the hat to those who don't think The 69 is as good as it gets, whether they checked out the Kama Sutra or not. Not to suggest that The 69 sucks, pun intended... it's great, it's fine, but if it's the best trick you've got in your bag of tricks, well, you're boring.

It's fine to be boring. But you should sleep with other people who are boring. That's "the right thing" to do. Similarly saying that you're a Dom because you read "50 Plates of Bacon", which would undoubtedly be a better book all around from what I've heard of 50 Shades of Crap from anyone who is literate or informed about sexuality, doesn't mean you are. Kinda like the "Oh, you're a model? Is Instagram your agent?" e-card.


Oh cool, let's all hop on the bandwagon...
McDonald's, billions served... doesn't make it fine dining.

I'm pretty sure we've covered the fact that pornography is the cinematic equivalent of lame action movies. For the record, most action movies are lame. It's their design. Car chase and/or gun fights and/or explosions, pick a setting, a major conflict, often involving shitty double crossing human drama and a hero and/or cops and robbers, throw in a few minor conflicts, that will tie in to the car chases and explosions appropriately enough, done. 

Porno isn't any less contrived than the best action movie you've ever seen. It's straight up fake. A bunch of actors rockin' out a script and generally really shitty actors at that. As an artist, it offends me as shit quality art. As a human, I'd just rather be doing it than watching it, even if they are really good at fucking, it's still usually going to be more fun in the real world with a real person.

Unless that person is boring as fuck about fucking. All I'm suggesting is that if you really love fucking, and a good portion of the human population really does, it might be in your best interest to learn about the practical realities. It would definitely be a good idea not to act like a fucking asshole if you want a great woman, or man, to stick around and get into The 69 and hopefully many other exciting orgasmic human combinations.

This bullshit about either being a "nice guy" or an "asshole" is bullshit. You CAN be a decent human being and fuck good. Being a doormat or a fuckface isn't going to yield quality pussy. We couldn't decide what the female equivalent of nice guy/assholes extremes was when it came up the other day. I think it's probably the "virgin" or the "whore" bullshit that way too many fuckfaces abide by in their assessment of women.

Kinda like this guy, who is stupid enough to try to solicit booty from a person with a blog like mine. He doesn't seem to know that vaginas have teeth or that all of this could have been avoided by clicking on the link he was responding to, or gracefully accepting defeat when called out.
"Your link is a fucking waste of time! Nobody gives a shit about your stupid blog! Stop wasting people's time you fucking whore and just post your fucking information so people know if you're worth the trip to get jerk or blown!"
Go fuck y'self... for real this time.
Because a person who'll act like that on The Internet, when he's all "safe" and "anonymous", (just like it is for Johns who enlist services of providers that are forced underground, and therefore wholly unsafe for the providers of those services) deserves for all the local ladies of the night advertising on that same venue to receive a friendly e-mail warning to watch out for this twat, I am happy to provide that public service. And the cops inevitably running sting operations on there will get it, too. I honestly can't tell the difference and it wouldn't be fair to discriminate anyway.

I'm hoping that maybe they'll tell me industry secrets that civilians aren't usually privy to. Or maybe some bitch capitalizing in a capital world, doing a job that isn't illegal but is illegal to advertise, won't get raped and beaten up by some asshole who figures the whore/virgin myth excuses violence against somebody doing their job.

There isn't a person out there who would say that a convenience store clerk who happened to show up for work that day deserved being robbed at gun point but when a sex trade worker is raped or killed and chopped up into bits on a pig farm you should see the comments section, in the online newspapers reporting it, fill the fuck up with hate fueled douchetalk that sex trade workers "aren't human" and that they "deserve what they get because they are the scum of the earth". So, by that logic, if a firefighter dies trying to save a bitch from a fire, he fucking asked for it by doing that job? Well, he knew there were risks, so I guess that's true. Fuck his family, friends and coworkers, but most especially fuck the community he served, he deserved it. 

While we were trying to figure out the female equivalent of the asshole/nice guy extreme, the talk came around to prostitutes but we're all hot so nobody had ever hired one. No need for secrets, we were trying to get the Intel and my friends and I won't stand in the way of science just because society has funny ideas about things. So we took it 'round to the hypothetical hire a prostitute scenario.

First thing we discovered was that none of us knew what the going rates are. But we all agreed that the cheapest isn't the best in any product or service. The assumption in this instance is that low-ballers are probably drug motivated and then we all agreed that we were assholes but that it was still probably true. I decided I'd want the most expensive ho because presumably he or she will be the most skilled, and I ain't paying for no boring porno sexperience. I want to go to heaven and see fireworks and have my teeth go numb, if I'm paying. Or if I'm not.

Then we got around to the paying our hired ho part of the hypothetical scenario. Initially all the guys said "I wouldn't pay first" and our calling shenanigans on the idea that the money is more valuable than the pussy brought them around to the idea that the risk of the ho not getting paid after rendering the service was probably greater than the risk of paying and having a service provider who sucks at their job. That risk does suck, and if you get ripped off, damn, life lesson learned, "trades that are forced underground are unsafe for everyone"

Aside from all that, trying to penalize the only woman who has ever been honest about your sexual relationship isn't classy. They are willing to pretend to like you, you get to put your dick into her/him and chances are, s/he's not even going to get an orgasm out of the deal because you're boring. But they agree to pretend in order to feed your ego. 

Restaurants don't work that way, in that if you don't like it, you don't have to pay. Restaurants are also regulated (by a number of governing bodies) so when a customer in a restaurant runs off without paying after punching out the service provider, calling the po-po, worker's compensation and all the rest of those good things exist to that service provider. We were in a restaurant, it was an easy example. And the easy solution, if you hate the food and the service, is to not return to the restaurant. Simple, simple.

So, we were all in agreement again, that we didn't know jack shit about the industry and are now looking for a prostitute to hire to answer our questions. I know that's a bit like asking your dentist to look at your car because it's making a funny noise but if there are any man or lady hoes out there who would like to indulge us our curiosities about your job, we're all in agreement that you should get paid first and that if your answers are shitty we won't recommend you to anyone doing research or looking for professional booty. We just need to get a collection plate going so we can pay you. 

p.s. The blue bits are links, they take you to magical places ;)





8 comments:

  1. Thank you for this post! I'm actually a lil mad becuz I wasn't expecting to read this. I'm drunk, blowed and got sum cold music playin, so this went to the heart. I don't know if you realize but it's millions of people who can relate to this, no matter what their job is. All metaphor. This is raw tho. You droppin gems!

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  2. And I do recognize this is hypothetical

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  3. I hear what you're sayin' but it's not a metaphor. It's a synopsis of a real conversation and it's a huge, and very real (and untaxed) segment of business industry, that is legal (in Canada) but that restricts workers from advertising or creating safe conditions to operate in.

    Lawyers are allowed to advertise all they want and they fuck us harder than any hooker could. Every job sucks to some degree, I have to filter through messages like the one quoted above but I like writing that fucking much, that troll is too lazy to stalk me so I'll take the risk. Firefighters take calculated risks in saving our asses from burning up but if they get fucked up on the job, they're covered somewhat. A prostitute doesn't qualify for the same "no man is an island" motto. But it's just a service, like oil changes, or grocery stores. I wouldn't wanna do any of those either, lol.

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  4. Thanks for the feedback, btw. Sorry for wrecking your buzz with real talk. The last link leads to erotica if you were after more boob oriented action ;)

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  5. Hello.

    I am the complaining guy on Ottawa cl. I enjoyed your piece on boundaries. It's a shame most people don't see it the way we do, but I guess that's why it's called Rants and Raves.

    Such is life, I suppose. Let me know if you want to chat more, post another message on CL, talk about sulphites in red wine making your nose run, and I'll get back to you.

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  6. So I came here from the Ottawa rants and raves section, just wondering if you're also from Ottawa.

    Anywho, pretty funny blog so far.

    Also, here's a blog I read you might enjoy (sorry, not trying to spam): delicioustacos.com

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  7. I see the nice guy / asshole spectrum a little differently. At it's core, what it really comes down to is anxiety in social situations. When I guy has a lot of it he goes in one of two directions, he tries to appease the people around him - Nice Guy - or he tries to dominate the people around him - Asshole. No guy who is scared of the person he's with can be any good in bed or any fun to be around either.

    There are female equivalents to the nice guy / asshole. The bitch who acts like a bitch because she's really just scared of people. The nice girl who doesn't like leaving the house because she doesn't know how to say no to people.

    I see the virgin / whore spectrum is a whole other mess.

    If a woman does what she wants, with who she wants, for her own reasons, she's seen as "giving herself away." She's perceived by some as having low self esteem.

    The alternative is charging. Trading sex for time, social status, attention, money, or a legal contract we call marriage. She's perceived by many as having high self esteem ... unless it's for money.

    Those who would have all women sell themselves in exchange for legal contracts value the virgin.

    For me, give me free, flowing, emancipated women and keep em coming.

    OttawaAdv

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  8. ^There you have it folks! Real live proof that humans with functioning minds do exist on the Internet. Hoorah!! ...sulphites, tacos, marriage prostitutes, such a myriad of delicious imagery for this fine afternoon.

    To put the comments into a bit of context there's an ever so brief reference, to the "boundaries talk" they/you're referring, found here:
    http://donorsforboners.blogspot.ca/2012/09/muscles.html

    ~In response to your comments: I genuinely don't give a shit what other people do, or why. That's their problem, lol. But if somebody says to me, "Hey, I wanna be there". I will point out that "Here is not there, and here is where you're at", when it's true.

    No fuckin' around about fuckin' around, and that's the word pile I've on offer. Thanks for coming to check it out. ;)

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