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Saturday, 29 September 2012

"Have A Nice Day!"

This ain't real reality but some alternate, based-on-parts-of-a-true-story, reality where no fewer than seven conversations become one story. A place where the fantasy life you try to pass off as reality, online, is combined with experiences that have happened in the real world. My own and others. Not everyone is sexually repressed. Just sayin'.

Sex still sells, and we all know that's why the hit counter is where it is despite the fact that there aren't any gaping vaginas or exposed titties on display here.
Yes indeed! You've guessed "right" if your guess was that I still don't give a fuck. "Sex" is still a pretty broad topic though the expression "you're fucked" doesn't quite qualify, despite the key words utilized within that statement.

As per the obsession with the owner of the hands, connected to the brain behind all these lyrical musings of how seemingly hopelessly fucked we all are if more than a few people don't give their heads a shake and learn how the fuck to talk to women if they ever wanna stick their dick into one, I give to thee, some reality:

The real world is just as ironic as any dumbass online who claims to want to fuck a bitch but does everything he can to alienate the one of five real women online that he encounters. The best irony is when you're making purchases of an intimate nature and the clerk concludes the transaction with a pleasant "Have a nice day!"

Real life purchases that could have amounted to awkwardness if I gave but a single fuck:

Set the scene... a midnight run to the 7-11, or equivalent, for Mentos and condoms. 
Can you trust vending machine condoms?
The chocolate bars are always a bit melty,
wouldn't the heat also affect the  efficacy of the latex?
The mints were strictly a drunken impulse purchase. Small town life inherently dictates you're going to run into someone you know, while you're on a midnight run for mints and birth control, and this night was no different. What really needs to be said to "Hey, What're you up to?" when you're in line at the 7-11, in the middle of the night, buying Mentos and a three-pack of tropically flavoured condoms, because they don't sell twelves... 

When we were through, the clerk happily piped in the scripted line, and without a hint of irony, "Have a nice night!" 

Would it have been more obvious if I bought smokes at the same time?

Picture any other midday, at any other store and there I am, to buy 12 boxes of raspberry jello, un-lubricated condoms, lasagna noodles, electrical tape and clingwrap. 

Or any combination of easily misinterpreted, coincidentally timed purchases, that just seem to happen when you're me:
*cucumbers, carrots, and condoms
*condoms and a wide variety of lube
*lube, bananas and rubber gloves
*lube and anything else
*condoms and anything else
*tampons and midol
*yeast infection treatment including topical itch relief
*a case of bottled water, a 12 pack of double roll toilet paper, and a clear plastic shower curtain

Whether it's pure pokerface professionalism or straight up oblivion that keeps them from laughing their asses off as they chime, "Have a nice day!", at times I can't help but salute them with the satchel containing my suspicious and/or auspicious purchases and beam like a spelling bee winner<click that blue, it's like Wikipedia, it'll take you places... maybee I'll see you there ;)

I know a lot about fucking because I'm an information whore and people keep asking me questions they should be asking of their doctors but somehow it's less awkward to ask me and be dragged along to the sex shop for a little tutorial about sex aids. I kid you not, asking a clerk at a sex shop any question always becomes an impromptu sex education course. They're well informed and their knowledge is specialized so they're even more helpful than a pharmacist. If you encounter a creepy purveyor, the solution is to go to a different store. There are creeps in every industry, you don't have to buy your dildo from them.

Historically, the most awkward purchase for men to make, that exceeds even the awkwardness some guys feel purchasing feminine hygiene products for their ladies or daughters, involves anything and everything to do with erectile dysfunction.

Breathe, just breathe. Impotence isn't a dick death sentence. There are lots of reasons, medical, physical, emotional or otherwise, that will affect Mr. Happy's "performance".

I know, I threw "erectile dysfunction" and "impotence" at you all reckless like but get over it, it's just dick. Treat it as a science experiment you are undertaking for all of humanity and go at it with a little objectivity if you want to find a solution so that if nothing else, you might avoid the misguided feelings of failure due to dysfunctional man prowess of dick. The best outcome is that you get to fuck a bitch, the worst outcome is knowing what doesn't work for you.

If you have a medical condition (or medication) that affects your dick, well, I don't know much about that. Ask Google or your doctor. I do know that Viagra and Cialis are pretty powerful drugs. If you have tried everything else and wanna do drugs as a last resort, they do function as intended... so that you can function as intended. But my professional recommendation, if you're going down the drugs path anyway, is to try weed first. You might chill out enough to just go with it. 

Speaking of chilling the fuck out so you can get your fuck on, that's great advice. Men and women aren't all that different in our humanities. Lady sexual dysfunction often stems from emotional troubles and guess what, boys, half y'all dick dysfunction is in your head and heart, too.

If you're not into a lady, if you feel icky about sex in general, if you're feeling used, if your mind is everywhere but the bedroom, if your fetish isn't playing out as scripted, if any number of things are entertaining your inner world you will have a hard time getting it up. What is it about your masturbation encounters that allows full function that is missing with your partner? 

Yes, a certain amount of friction on any given sex response receptacle is going to have the intended effect but if your heart and soul aren't in it and you know that... you're answer is simple. Chill out, or find a lady that you're into for real. Ideally both.

It's a little known fact (the pun will reveal itself shortly), that boner problems are more common in larger than average dicks. There's only so much blood to go around, so while a 5 incher might be able to stay rock hard well into the night and well into a guy's life, those of you packing 9 or more may have noticed your age creeping up on you as the decades pass and you notice Mr. Happy is somewhat more aloof than he used to be. There's only so much blood to go around.

Get the fuck over it and get yourself a cock ring. I will warn you that it's even trickier than bra shopping because you can't try that shit on over your clothes. But you still need to get over avoiding solutions that enable more fucking. 

Chicks purchase sex enhancement devices all the time. Though I'm sure a lot of dildos and vibrators are purchased with men in mind as well. It really ain't no thang to want to get your partner off. It's pretty thoughtful. The condoms you get at the same time reveal your intention to bust a nut, too, because equality in orgasms is how you're contributing to a better world, and that you're all over the safe, sane and consensual. All because you wanna keep fucking for many years to come... sounds like a plan!

"Oh" ring...
From a "she" perspective, the closed o-rings are the most comfortable user experience. Though, from your perspective, the one size-fits-all method is rarely going to be a perfect fit and they are a little rubbery so I don't know if that's going to pull on your pubes or what. These are good questions for the clerk. You can get this in metal, too... you can find a lot of things of put on your dick if you look around.

You only need one at a time...

The "lasso" offers the perfect fit for you but, I tell you this as your friend, that closure needs to not be banging on her clit or it's the end of your fucking story, end of fucking story. Otherwise, it is slightly cumbersome but it works as intended.

There are millions of solutions. Well, maybe eight or ten. But this is but one sexual problem that grown ups take action on. The irony is that too many are too awkward to take this simple step. Aside from that, it's the one auspicious purchase you can participate in when the clerk won't miss the joke on the "Have a great day!" part of the script. 

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