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Friday 14 September 2012

Ask A Hot Chick - Seventh Heaven

Q: Sensei please tell me what women want to hear on messages from men on this site.

A:  I broke your question into two parts, for the sake of brevity, which we all know is fucking impossible for me. And to be able to use the bit where you called me "Sensei" twice.
But also because this part of your question is impossible to answer from one hot chick's perspective. What I look for when I screen suitors is quite different than the lady in the video... Also, I'm screening for blog material, not booty, but I've been there, so your use of the term Sensei is apt.

It wouldn't be right if I started delivering advice that didn't come from the perspective of "What NOT To Do" but one thing I will say is that "Just fucking be yourself" is probably the best advice, in any given situation. Remember what happened in Walkerton, when that guy pretended he could do a job that he knew he couldn't, and then a bunch of people ended up dead? Mighta been a team effort. Either way, it was tragically unavoidable bullshit that created the mess.

I'm not trying to suggest that your lies or half truths will result in casualties of the "dating war" but honesty IS the best policy. It's probably the reason why my blog is so damned popular. That, or the fact that people don't understand the difference between a porn hub and a blog...

Even if you're boring as fuck, or dumb as fuck, or as bat shit crazy as fuck like the lady in the video below... somewhere out there, somebody IS into that. 

Pretending to be something you're not IS the lamest shit a person can get up to. You will be found out and you will be cut off for being a dirty liar. Inevitable. So, despite the fact that the website where I found this, when I was looking for resources y'all are too lazy to Google yourself, says something about "the worst date ever", I give her mad props for being real. Of course, I'd run away if she turned out to be my date, but somewhere out there, there IS a someone, who is going to love that shit up. And down, from either side and any other possible way they can figure out to fill their nights. It means I am off the hook. Sweet!

Common sense ain't common so I'll say it straight up. If you approach a human being, as if they are a human being, you'll start to understand that the appropriate question in trying to "score booty" online, or in grocery store line-ups, is also a two part question: "What does THIS person want to learn about me that will convince her to meet me in the real world, have a great time getting to know each other over dinner or drinks, and chemistry and compatibility willing, hopefully ignite enough legitimate spark to fuck the shit out of each other as passionately as humans are able? Equally important is what I want to learn about THIS person, because I know that ANY woman won't fit the bill, because I am aware of my needs and wants aside from the penis hiding in the vagina part of the relationship, regardless of the nature of the relationship."

Again, just one hot chick's perspective, and apparently I'm a freak of nature for knowing myself, when knowing myself is the only thing I have to do while I'm on this planet, so I had at it using a little simple math, which somehow also allegedly proves I'm a dude, when in reality it just means I know what kind of stimulation stimulates me to the point of wanting to fuck someone senseless, and I know that it's always, as planned, with a person who appreciates similarly stimulating stimulation, so all I really know is... why don't you ask her? 

She may find clever word play alienating, so if I said that's The Answer, based on the fact that it's My Answer, it'd potentially make me a liar... I won't put myself in that position. Nor would I ever assume what somebody wants to hear, I'd just ask them, "S'up bitch? You wanna organically evolve any potential human connection between us as we spend time getting to learn each other's value systems?" It what works for me. I make a lot of great friends. But might sound weird coming from you... Just sayin', The Answer is: Always know what value you add to any situation. And then aim to provide that value for those that desire and appreciate that value.

As for coming around the long way to deliver the injections of truth I shove down your gullet, at a typed speed of 30wpm... if I posted the male equivalent of this video, a bunch of twats would claim I'm a man hater. They'll say it anyway, but I thought it might be easier for y'all to assimilate the content of the message if you watched it in a language you can understand, and then employed your imagination to create the male equivalent. Also I don't have permission to use the "gems" I've received.

... Is it redundant to say that part of the exercise is getting the fuck out of your own script long enough to listen to what the characters in your world are actually saying? 

Happy Friday, Fuckers!

p.s. As always, the Blue Highlighted Words are links to further awesomeness ;)


I found this video here:http://website-reviews.co.uk/worst-date-in-the-world/

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