Best Friends, Tosh Talk, Censorship Bears, Free Speech... for some

Do you know who hates when artists get paid more than people with shittier jobs? Other artists, apparently.


So, I've been a little distraught because of the fight Daniel Tosh and I had about his ugly shoes. It wasn't really a fight, but it was our first disagreement and I guess our love had been blinding us to the realities of human relations a little. 

Just like getting banned on that writing forum this morning,
it started out quite innocently and with the help of a little ego, blew up into something much greater, or much pettier. I was honest and told him I thought the shoes were ugly, to me, cuz I was the one speaking. I don't think I have to like every pair of kicks my beloved wears. I don't love him any less for having different preferences. He knows that now, too, since the "fight". 

I simply meant, "You're not wearing those with your wedding dress, and I'm not willing to compromise on it." Sure, if they were his favourite, I might be willing to budge a little bit but I know he has other favourites that are actually going to go with the dress we picked out. We're not traditionalists, so we're doing all this wedding stuff together, and otherwise uncommonly. My dress is being modified from a tux and he agreed that my dress' train could be longer to appease my sensitivity about having the smallest penis in our relationship. That's why I love him, he accepts me for the good stuff and the stuff I'm working on being better about, like penis envy.

While tensions were still running high I escaped for a little girl time with a bff from little kid school. Naturally she listened patiently while I ranted about Daniel's oversensitivity about the damn shoes. But then we got to talking about how fuckable he is. Now, I should make it clear that whenever we hang out, it always turns into a porno. Like, every fucking time, almost. It's just the kind of energy we have together.

So, in an effort to maintain clear communication regarding boundaries during inevitable sexy time, I let her know that she can have a go at my beloved. Because I'm not possessive like that and I wanted her to know that our forthcoming marriage wasn't going to have any impact on our inevitably Destination Porno hang outs. Sometimes, friendships and marriages can get really fucked up when you go to the Swinger's Club. More of that delicious ego that fuels our inner fires for the most part.

I told her that as long as her husband is cool with her riding the Tosh Disco Stick, I am cool with it, too. She's always thinking outside the box and acknowledged they'd probably have a threesome. I thought that was rather inclusive of her. But that's why we've been friends for so long because she is just that awesome.

What I should have said is that it's truly up to my beloved. Just because I rape him as part of our sexplorations doesn't mean I agree with anyone else doing it. It's just our unconventional way, and it's not for everyone. It's a great way for me to work through these tiny penis issues I have. Play therapy, if you will. But the important thing to understand about our realationship is that he consents to the tiny penis rape we engage in. That's the main difference here. We're all consenting adults, using safewords as necessary, and communicating endlessly to ensure it's all still within the safe, sane and consensual code of conduct laid out in the Booty Manual..

What?? You've never heard of the Safe, Sane and Consensual Guide to Gettin' Booty? Next time, friends, it deserves it's own entry.

May the Censorship Bear be ever at your side, lest some twat gets their panties in a bunch while they scope the planet through their filters, over some shit you said about some other shit. It's (always) Oversensitive Week on the Internet. I wholeheartedly blame Astrology though I have no factual basis for it, I'd really just like to play Scapegoat A Bitch, too! The Joneses games are quite entertaining if you don't take their bullshit too personally. 

One Love Fuckers, and To The Unfucked, too.  

~Imma Writa 

p.s. Imma Writa, translates loosely to "I'm a writer"...So glib that it gets missed far too often. I perceive every opportunity to write, as an opportunity to pursue my passions through practice. It's all I give a fuck about, other than World Peace. If you're paying attention, it's obvious that the content really doesn't matter to me, it's all practice. It's just that controversy gets more attention, so I'll happily do it up because being "controversial" isn't exactly foreign territory for this kitty cat, plenty of haters out there who believe that thinking itself equates to controversy, who are willing to hop on board and gimme some attention, which is an important goal when trying to build a brand. 

I'm actually feeling indebted to the Censorship Bear running that forum because I wasn't sure what I was going to type at you today, or how I would work in my unabashed love for Daniel Tosh. The only reason I am pretend pissed is because I finally found some people who aren't useless "yes men" (with all due respect to the "yes men"), that I might actually get some creative/constructive criticism from and I've been ousted from the club. I mean, if you're working at it, you can even learn something from complete assholes. Nothing is irrelevant when the only goal is the next story. 

Unfortunately the Obtusity Chameleon story got bumped for the Censorship Bear. Next time. Or the time after that. But no, I won't be referring anyone else to the Censorship Bear Clubhouse, I feel their policies directly contribute to the shittiness of the planet, and I don't want to play like that whenever I can help it. I'm just left wondering if that's what the "Challenges of Women in Business" talks were all about in that particular forum but I guess I'll never know due to the Forever Ban. I should probably wait to see if they respond to my appeal before I call all of their Free Speech For Some policies into question but I am pretending to be pissed off so I have to go along with that character or it's not a believable character and that'd make me a shitty writer.

I didn't really want to throw in the Fem Card there but shit son, while we're being honest about egos and shit, and blowing stuff way out of proportion, Super Absurdity Styles, I'll just throw it out there that, more often than not, the greatest perceived challenge to egos in the face of my very existence have been male egos so I'm really just commenting on a trend that has been prevalent in other communication fuckarows I've witnessed or experienced. And to give the Obtusity Chameleon a little air time, I'm wondering aloud if it's my vagina's teeth that are responsible this time, too. I think it's about Real Talk challenges regardless of gender, but I'll always be the first to admit that I was high and may have misinterpreted it. To be honest, I wanted to have an open dialogue about the topic and the misconceptions/misunderstandings that came about. I encourage a dialogue if any of you hits coming in through the forum care to have an intelligent discourse about it. I don't even care what side of the fence you're on, because intelligent discourse is so fucking rare.

p.p.s. No, being pretend pissed about my Free Speech Rights being violated, doesn't mean I am going to stop "censoring" your stories about sexually deviant behaviour, children and pets belong anywhere other than this blog. And unlike the folks who get their panties in a bunch about what seems like everything, I reserve that for the times when actual sick fucks need to be called out, and don't just "give it up" to people who simply want to explore and express themselves with words. That was a firm but gentle reminder to get your fucking guest blog entries poppin' in my inbox because maybe if I'm sweet and matronly I will become more socially acceptable. Haha, kidding. Fuck socially acceptable right in the ear. Smokers are always the villains, we learned that from TV and I'd hate to disappoint 

xo

p.p.p.s. For The "Last Word" Record, because I'm antagonistic like that, anyone can write a fucking contract. It can be on a napkin for that matter. How a judge will interpret any of the above is where a lawyer might help. But if you do a little research before you go sit in your lawyer's office, you can save yourself a shitpile of cash. Kinda the difference between hiring a ghostwriter or an editor... It's not a crazy idea in this, or any, economy, to try to save a little cash. So, though taken out of context as much as is humanly possible,in the immortal words of the almighty Dave Chappelle, "Fuck yo' couch!"