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Sunday, 8 July 2012

20 Questions

The dicktures article is on the back burner. I guess you've been saved of the horror of dickture exposure by the scaredy cats who got real quiet when I actually asked. Even though I know you're kind of dying to see. It'll have to be more organic than all that, the shock cocks don't want to be recognized or something.

I decided a game of 20 Questions would be more fun. 

They're in no particular order, the computer decided everything. It's an open book test. The real answers to your real questions. The pictures make everything more fun.
They don't all have pictures. And I didn't have time or space in this entry to include all of the questions. Maybe another day I'll be feeling generous and we can play this game again. I certainly had fun with it.

20 Questions

a) Will I?
b) Did I?
c) Is that when you masturbate your Master? Is it still called that if you have a Mistress? Or does it become Mistrebate? I'm fascinated by language, tell me more.
d) Your mom.

a) I can but I won't.
b) I already did because you called me "Hunny" and used xxxx
c) If you wanna pay me (Be warned, if you make this joke, you will get people thinkin' you're for serious)
d) I'll trade you for sexy pics of your mom...

a) Wow, I feel like Marge that time her GPS asked her where she wanted to go.
b) "I'm super, thanks for asking. All things considered, I couldn't be better," and etc.
c) I lost a day last week and frankly, I'm a little worried.
d) Are you being rhetorical, or do you really wanna know? Does that sound paranoid to you?

Which TV show do you play a cockblocking extortionist on?
a) I can't believe it took this long for someone to ask me that.
b) I can't believe it's not butter.
c) It's only shown in a private theatre at Literary Boners, Ink
d) It's an online live stream thing my tech guy set up.

a) Cats are pretty independent. If they have food, water and a crapper, they require very little maintenance.
b) I got it all electrolysisized and draw on a landing strip with an eyebrow pencil.
c) Disco bush
d) Bald, except for the side burns, so it sticks out of my bikini. 

(Presumably the dicktures)
a) No
b) I dreamed about lesbians last night.
c) I can't walk today from the frantic masturbating I got up to. My arm is also sore.
d) Are you all excited about the dicktures?

Part 1-
a) So you can see me in person while I tell you I don't believe your account of those fantasies?
b) Is it impossible to type an e-mail?
c) Did you read the part about Skype time being $17/minute... subject to change again without notice.
d) Is that really your question? And you really haven't guessed the answer...?

Part 2- Though I'm not sure why he got two, it was ask one question day...
a) Why do you think I have 19 kids?
b) I've never been married.
c) All five of my divorces have been because I cheated on my husband.
d) I don't play stupid games, so I don't have to cheat at them...

a) Speaking of "one question" day...
b) Are you for fuckin' real? 
c) 16 or 17
d) There are no stupid questions.

How old are you?
a) You should never ask a lady her age.
b) It doesn't matter because I got carded today. 
c) In cat years or human years?
d) You can find that out online. The www. is a wealth of information.

a) I thought it would make appropriate reading material for my plants.
b) Imma Writa...
c) I masturbate a lot but I'm not very creative. I like to hear other people's lame fantasies because it makes me feel better about myself... like Jerry Springer.
d) Makes good firewood.

a) Do you mean, "Are your breasts real?"?
b) They're based on a true story.
c) That photograph is 45 years old.
d) I already tole ya, I'll never tell who belongs to those tits. Or however that goes.

a) I been done taught up by the ________ real good and I done read a lot of them learnin' books. Add a little ghetto. Informal Education Certificate from a fake Charity on the Internet.

b) I dropped out of high school to have the second of my 19 kids.

c) I have a Masters.

d) Dudeist Preist

Lol, this guy missed the deadline... apparently he knows how you like it guys. Ask if you'd like a hook up.

Dogs or cats?

a) With the right spices, it's really hard to tell the difference.
b) I never include animals in my sex life.
c) Yes.
d) I have a collar and leash for my boyfriend. We like puppy play, until he pisses on the floor in terror, then it's usually over.

a) If you weren't you?
b) Your beard scares me, will I end up with gravy transfer on my tits...
c) Have you ever been on Ricki Lake?
d) No.

That's a statement, more than a question but I'll just throw in the appropriate punctuation and we'll be back on track.
a) How do you think I ended up with 19 kids?
b) Only when it's yours, Big Boy.
c) If I had a death wish, I'd smoke crack.
d) Say it three times, while you click the heels of your shoes together.

K, fuck, I wouldn't normally slag on anyone's attempted English. I rely on people not being able to write in this language to earn a living. So that'd be like pissing in the water bowl. I'm not into that, for the record.


Why would a person think that an English speaking forum is the right forum for these kinds of communications? Whether his intent is to actually get a girlfriend, or advice about how to do it, being such a needy fuck AND using a non-native language is Special Olympics, Failblog and a whole shit pile of  self-awareness deficit. Maybe that's why I dreamed of lesbians last night... I didn't mean to shit on the Special Olympians, they're genuinely better athletes than I am. About 88% of the time. But still, better.

And furthermore: Ya, Canada is fucking awesome. A Canadian wife would be just the ticket to all this fucking awesomeness. But just be upfront about it. If that is your angle. I'm not saying it was his angle. I can only hypothesize about it.

I think he was after English School. But I do that shit all day, I'm not keen on a long distance boyfriend I can't communicate with (beyond how dense 93% of men are), when work is done for the day. I doubt there is a lot of deviation from that position were you to ask a bunch of other women. You'll probably get a lot more "They took 'r jobs" talk, if you generally asked around, too. 

But it's fairly undeniable Canadians, and North Americans in general, are lazy fucks, so I'm not the kind of stupid that goes about complaining when some kids come 'round and git 'er done. I'm more of the school of "Thank god that fucker does that job. I'm a lazy North American and I sure don't wanna." 

I also didn't forget to remember that my families were immigrants and prolly so are yours, if you go back far enough. I guess the reds are clear on that faux pas. Some of the time at least. Nomadic types being the most likely exception. You go back far enough, somebody will be pissed off by a buffalo trail and the hungry fuckers following it. 

On this question of jobs, the truth is that slave boat riders were unwittingly responsible because they were the ones who did all the work and so, they're the ones who actually took y'r jobs a few hundred years ago... But if I suggest we disregard the circumstances that allowed for all those jobs to be taken, and then said, "Fuck it! Let's start calling it 'Alleged Slavery' cuz we ALLLL know they wanted it."...I forget where I was going with this. Regardless, my general conclusion on most topics is pretty standard: Fuck off.

part 1-
a) Imma Writa
b) I Writa
c) Imma Writa
d) Imma Writa

part 2- 
a) see question above
b) Why do you think you qualify for two questions?
c) Are you as turned on as I am right now?
d) I don't remind you of your mother, do I?

a) That's an odd question.
b) No.
c) Only when it's yours, Big Boy.
d) Did you take it personally when I didn't respond? Why? Are you also likely to take it personally if I do respond? Are you a Drama Queen?

a) I think if there're 3 answers it means that it's three questions... that was a difficult sentence to compose, if it's not technically on point, you can fuck yourself to make up for it.
b) tail, third nipple and 19 children.
c) tits, ass and pussy
d) What are your favourites, baby? Mine are ALL good.

a) Kind of, now.
b) That's not much of a question... and you've misspelled "high". Are you having a sexy teacher chastising you fantasy now that I've gone all Grammar Rodeo on your ass.
c) Riveting
d) Hi (... this conversation will take a while, grab a coffee.)

I thought this was 20 questions?
a) Girls can't do math.
b) Fuck you.
c) Count them again.
d) Ask me how many fucks I give.

part 1-
a) I haven't read 50 Shades of Crap. I heard it was rejected by 17 publishers before it was edited and accepted by the first. That might be a wild rumour, but rumour or no, it makes me think the author is just a hack. And I'm not. So no is my best guess. No disrespect. I'll give a proper review when I do read it.
c) Read my blog and let me know if it is or isn't.
d) My point of reference is an SNL skit a few months ago. It's at least as funny as that. Maybe a little less, they have a whole team writing over there.

part 2-
a) No, I'm not wearing an "lol"... is that some kind of string bikini, or is it an o-ring gag? I'm not very good at this pictogram game.
b) Bacon bikini
c) I was naked but I put a strap-on on... that's just awkward but 'I donned a strap-on' just sounds weirder.
d) Black lace panties and bra, sheer black stockings and a garter, and a really tiny sheer black dress. And a strap-on.

a) You can't actually say "A girl finally talked to me" if it was only online.
b) It'd be nice if I didn't have to work so hard to make this usable.
c) I'm just kidding, this shit's hilarious.
d) No means no.

a) Not when my ass is in the air.
b) At some point everyone will, after some fucker sells my shit to the Sasquatch Enquirer. You Sir, are no exception. Did y'all get together and decide that if you asked this question the most, I'd cave in and say "yes"? Silly crickets. I'm driving up the price for the seller of that Enquirer photo because I'm relying on that income as a bit of a savings fund. Lol, of course I'll be the one leaking the photo, this whole thing is as contrived as TV.
c) Show me a model who can write a sentence. Then find me seventeen more. And then, I'll show you my face.
d) Is it easier to read my blog if you can picture me whispering it to you? I'll hook you up on the YouTube.


  1. Well written ,very entertaining and total sexual sarcasm which is justly deserved. WTF is wrong with these men aka little boys.lmao

  2. Thanks!

    One theory we were bouncing around the other day blames male circumcision. But maybe you were being rhetorical... :)

  3. I'm curious...what was your longest relationship? And is there a man out there you'd love to be with? One who, when conversing with him, your replies aren't saturated with sarcasm.


  4. Hey curious kitty,
    None of that is any of yo' business but if you were really curious you shoulda defined your queries more concisely. For example, what kind of relationships are you referring to? Do you think I'm single? And finally, what in the world would make you think I'd select a partner who wasn't as quick-witted and prone to sarcasm as I am? Smart and boring just isn't a winning combination for my preferences, grown ups know these things about their needs and wants ;)

    Best of luck in your whatevering!