Search This Blog

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Slimy Time... Is That A Sex Thing?

Ah, it's been so long I may have forgotten what we might have been doing here...

How about fantasies? Fantasies are fun. Healthy. Did I mention fun?
But sadly, as fun as they are, fantasies aren't real life. Just like porn is the action movie equivalent of the sex genre, "Hollywood" style, fantasies rarely play out in the real world, the way they do in your head. Most people who've had a threesome in the real world can attest to that.

So, busy as a bee fucking a bird I've been in the real world. Recently I applied for an assistant's position. Clerical, office, answer a phone, order some lunch, meh whatever, I convinced myself I could hack it for a few months, ironing my work costume, smiling on cue, showing up daily. Not the best gig, not the worst gig but a few months wouldn't kill me, right? The pay was reasonable, hours standard and the casual formality of the job posting gave me the sense that this was a small company that might not be so bad to work for. I don't work for half-assed operations, especially as the front man. You put that shit on your CV and you're fucked in the long run.

Anyway, I outlined why I'd be a goddamned valuable asset to the company and fired it off. Maybe not hopeful but certainly not with any sort of dread or anticipation of the yucky kind. Fuck, why would I be wary, applying for an office lackey job? Aside from the fact that it's the most mind numbing work out there. Christ on toast, I'd honestly rather do inventory than sit in a fucking office day after day. I digress.

After having put a good hour into my appeal for my case in this job stake, I knew that if there was a real human being on the other end, I'd get a call back cuz I'm, like, a good writer an' stuff, so I was, like, totally whatever. From the foot in the door, my references and friendly charms with large brain capacity usually win me the tender. I turn down more contracts and full on jobs than I take, that's for sure.

Along came that "You sound perfect for the position!" communique I'd been halfway expecting from the "employer". The first alarm bell that sounded was when Mista Emploi's only real query had to do with my appearance. Y'see, I know that pretty girls get hired for waitress jobs, retail jobs, modelling jobs, reception jobs. Having an appealing voice is important in this, too. Fran Drescher, not so bad, until she opens her fucking mouth. For someone who answers your company's telephones, that's an important consideration. And understandably, the "face" of the company should be equally appealing. There's also the, quite shallow, consideration that, if you have to work with someone for forty hours a week, well, it's nicer if they're look and sound and smell and etc. pleasantly. 

But, all that said, and this is a huge but, a huge ass if you will, there are protocols in the professional world, which forbid this practice being talked about openly. When you tell a girl to lose 50 pounds and reapply to work at the restaurant, your fucking ass can be sued. End of story, and it's going to look like shit for your company image.

So, IF a person was hiring an office assistant, and knew that they needed model hot physical qualities in this person, and even the fact that she would be a she... you've really gotta be smart enough to keep that shit on the DL, and every guy, and every woman, who doesn't fit into your subjective ideal of what beauty is, needs to be politely turned away. Them's the fucking breaks. You have to wait for that hottie to apply organically. You're not allowed to ask if I'm white, slim, sexy, or anything else to do with my physical appearance unless you're casting for a photoshoot, movie, play, or etc. 

I had assumed that because this was allegedly a professional interaction between comrades conducting commerce, so I had also assumed that my ability to file from A-Z, as well, as the ability to count to at least ten, operate a computer machine and a copy machine and a fax machine and a phone machine, would be of primary importance. A polite phone demeanour, a polite demeanour in general, work ethic, security clearance. I mean, I know what I've needed from an assistant in the past, I figured the same applies in reverse, easy. And good hygiene is important if working in close quarters... silly me, haha.

It took some prying to have Mista Emploi actually reveal the details of this "position" and why the assistant needed to be "hot" and "open-minded". Do you hear more alarm bells clangin'? At this point I was just curious as hell. I couldn't not see the story through to the end. The story I built turned out quite a lot differently, but I'm working some of his delusions into the mix, to say thank you for the story line. Everybody needs a sexretary...

Let's not any of us forget that I had thought I was applying for a job as an assistant, in an office. And with a lead in like that I've probably laid out a spoiler about the bait and switch offer I'm about to describe, though probably not in lurid detail. Drum roll please... for the whopping rate of $25/hr, paid weekly I believe, Mista Emploi wanted an office assistant who could do all the regular office work, and then submit to him sexually whenever the mood struck him. 

Bondage, discipline, humiliation, short skirts with no panties daily, on my knees whenever he snapped his fingers, or bent over whenever he clapped his hands. The whole shebang. For $25 an hour. She also had to be single, no kids, and a few other conditions of "employment". I was laughing so hard when I read his "terms" that I can't remember the rest of them but you get the point.

$25 an hour is next to nothing for a reliable "right hand man". Especially in a small organization, it's incredibly important that everyone on the team is fucking stellar. If you have an assistant you can't live without, you know what I am talking about. Depending on the kind of information your assistant is handling, it's really in one's best interest to retain those people who have sensitive information about your company. Especially if you're breaking labour laws...

The initial cool and composed ad must have been something he hired someone to write because he was anything but cool and composed. He genuinely seemed ready to "spring on" any hot, young thing who happened across his door's threshold, if she was willing to suck his dick on command. That's not a sensible position to take if you care about your business, or your dick. One word, crack. Another word, drama. You're really going to trust a stranger with all your shit? A stranger who could blackmail you, report you, steal all your shit, who fucking knows what, we've all seen a bitch go crazy.

I was inclined to pretend to know nothing about the wonderful world of bdsm, convince him to pay me for the week up front and then not show up for day two... that is assuming he let my cute pussy go home after the first day. Or assuming I could walk after the first day. Instead I tried to ask around about the "going rate" for a sweet, hottie who will let you tie her up and spank her and fuck her and all that fun stuff. I didn't poll hundreds of informed citizens but I asked what I feel is a pretty good cross section of people in the know. The answer is, resoundingly, "hahahaha, not going to happen!" Crack users were more inclined to consider it, and they do happen to be slim... again, I digress.

The point made clearly, by sex trade workers, bdsm club kids, and open-minded women alike, was "NO, not safe, you don't let a stranger tie you up, period". That was pretty much what I figured when I measured it against the "Safe, Sane And Consensual" method for sexual conduct. What I wanted to know was... if the service existed, what would it cost? Cuz it sure ain't a $25 an hour kind of gig, and it usually wouldn't include all the clerical duties, unless it was part of the roleplay. At a normal reception job you wouldn't need to worry that your legs and twat were shaved daily either. More digressions.

There was some talk of the idea of a team effort being the only reasonable way of enabling this ever popular, since 50 Shades Of Crappy Writing hit the scene, fantasy. In that, you might be able to hire two girls, one to tie up and smack around a lil before railing her with your throbbing cock, and the other to stand around and pretend to be into it. But the number of slim women who are into bdsm... well, slim women are somewhat rare everywhere. 

The suggested rate for the above solution was $1000 an hour, based on a three hour session, two girls, one to play with, one to "stand guard", or possibly even play along with the spanking of the bound ho. Essentially that the pretax salary Mista Emploi was proposing would actually cover the cost of an amazing and utterly unforgettable evening or afternoon but it sure wouldn't cover a month of days full of dick, balls deep in whatever orifice happened to be convenient. And there would be no answering phones or other office duties.

We also talked about the risks of hiring the lowest priced contractor, specifically they meant drug addictions that fuel insane behaviour that results in empty bank accounts, I was talking about sensitive information and human rights violations. It's all the same shit boiling down to the fact that humans are liabilities, so the ones you pull in should be selected carefully.

The thing is, had he presented it the other way, "I'm a Domme, looking for a submissive fucktoy. Be hot, be open-minded, be smart, serious or willing to learn about bdsm. If I accept you as my slave, you will work for me so I can keep you close and fuck you often. Some days, your only task will be to sit under my desk wearing only rope ;). I will pay you well. Mon-Fri, 9-6pm, 2 hour lunch..." he could have easily saved himself a boatload of time, and actually targeted women who might be into a 9-5 (9-6) Master who was willing to give them a job, too. And wouldn't mind that he is married (just a guess because of the M-F 9-6) I can think of two women who would consider something like this seriously. One is average sized, definitely not "slim" but she is hot, and she's a fucking freak. A reliable fucking freak. And let's be real, a lot of the kids at the bdsm club aren't all that reliable... unreliable isn't hot.

Anyway, what was my point? Probably something along the lines of, "Jesus Douchebag! You're making the spankers look bad with your stupid ass bait and switch. You're making small employers look bad with your stupid ass bait and switch. You're making men look bad with your stupid ass bait and switch, that really only proves that you're not the kind of guy a lady should trust to tie her up. Which is why I didn't offer to introduce you to someone who is into what you're into. Because you're a dickhead, and I don't hook my friends up with dickheads :P

No comments:

Post a Comment