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Monday 18 June 2012

Hand Job Advice


Please help. I'm from LOCATION OMITTED. I'm 23. A student. And broke.

I took a massage course 2 years ago. My friends say I'm really good at it. I thought I could make some extra cash if I advertised to cheap massages. I'm not RMT so I charge less. It's hard work and OMG,  laundry.

I saw your post about being on the Internet. I thought maybe you could help me. It's like everyonewho responds wants a hand job. I just keep telling them I have aboyfriend That's true. But I don't know what I am "saying" that makes them think that. It's awkward and sometimes scary... I'm at some guy's place and he wants sex and I don't... I just try not to think about it. Maybe I'm being a baby...

I'm trying to make some cash... 

FML 




LYL, 

Hand job advice... did ya catch that one, massage, job you do with your hands... fuck, never mind...Where to even start on this madness? 

I think it's fair to say that most of us probably don't ask our grocery clerk to install our windows, hold our nuts while we bend and cough, or teach our rotten teenager Algebra, or any job, other than "grocery clerk". Fuck, we don't even ask them to come home with us to put the groceries away or cook dinner. "Just fill the fucking shelves, wheel that shit out to my car, I'll say thanks and I'll see your cracker ass next Thursday!"... right?


First off, we' all trying to get the dolla dolla bills y'all. Toilet paper and juice is an expensive habit. Toilet rental rates are through the roof. Actually, it's a good time to be a renter, but it's still fuck expensive to live, whether you're contending with a mortgage or rent.

Secondly, good on ya for gettin' yo'self educated and for not dealing crack. Thanks for your current, and future, contributions to society!

Thirdly, without seeing your ads I can't tell you what you're "saying" but as we can all see from reading Life As A Chick On The Internet it might just be that it doesn't matter what you say. 

Screenshot of the www in a setting relative to this post.
This bitch had to say it about eleven different ways,
and then add  a disclaimer in a shitpile of asterisks.

I don't know about y'all but I leave my panties on when I go for a massage so it's not exactly nudity, but lots of people get buck naked for the experience, too. Whatever floats your boat. My point is, somewhere along the line in this fucked up society, "nude" became synonymous with "sex". They CAN go well together but they aren't the same thing. There is absolutely nothing sexual about a child having a bath. Or a grown man, or woman, taking a shower, for that matter. When I think of my grandma getting help in the bathtub from the PSW it never, ever, ever, ever, ever turns into a porno in my head. All those bathers are naked yet it fails to illicit any sort of lady boner response in my nether regions. If you've ever been to a nude beach, you know exactly what I mean when I say "naked does NOT equal sex".

You sound genuine, and entrepreneurial. Those are awesome qualities in a bitch. So don't forget that when you're fending off unwanted sexual attention from people who feel comfortable saying things anonymously that they wouldn't say in person. Well, actually, some of them probably would but that's not the kind of inspirational pep talk that you're looking for... inspirational pep talks aren't really my thing so you're fucked for sure if that is what you came looking for. But know this: it's a lot of wishful thinking. One of those cases of "Don't fuck with my illusions by bringing reality into it!"

These guys want a sweet girl to make them feel amazing, and do "dirty" things, even though she's sweet. They don't necessarily understand that acting out their fantasy turns you, a nice, young woman, into a "cum belching whore", to use the parlance of our times. Because we all know how most people view sex trade workers, and it sure ain't fair or pretty. Chances are good that a lot of these men would never respond to an overt ad for "prostitution" services because they are the kind of people who actually believe they're not turning you into the very thing they seem to despise so much. All speculation, of course but perhaps if we challenged these bullshit practices people get up to, we would get to the bottom of it. For now, speculation is all we got, sista.


Sex trade workers often operate under the guise of "Massage" combined with a whole slew of other very specific language that lets the potential john know that there's a "happy ending" offered. Pretty much any time a service provider includes details like ~36c-26-36  5'11" 120 ~unrushed ~attentive cutie ~f*ll s*rvice ~I'm here all day/night waiting for you ~no texts or blocked calls, with a phone number, or website, and most often including an inordinate number of stars and hearts and smileys, a reader can be assured that this is one of those fronts for prostitution. Roses is code for dollars because sexual solicitation is illegal. So even though prostitution itself is legal, asking for or offering sexual services for pay is not legal, making it virtually impossible for sex trade workers to acquire clients legally. It's something like saying, "You can perform services as a veterinarian specializing in surgery but it is illegal for you to acquire scalpels, medication or any other equipment related to surgery." Frankly, I think the only reason that the sex trade industry isn't all above board and regulated (and safe for the industry workers) is because the policy makers and other fuckers in charge don't want to come up in the inevitable database of users. But again, pure speculation.

Bad sample cuz this respectful bitch doesn't even use the word "massage".
No fucking around with misleading job titles, she's straight up Hoin'!
Notice how smart this bitch is, no prices, no mention of any sex act.
So, we can't blame this on the Pro Hoes, a bitch gotta eat. They can't go around advertising for clients like plumbers and lawyers so they've cleverly adapted by developing an entire (glib) language to get around this unfair legislature. And say what you want about workers in any industry, but if guys weren't such shitheads, their wives would still fuck them and the Pros wouldn't have jobs anymore, simple supply and demand. Those bitches are just capitalists like all the rest of us, so we can hate the game all we want but if we're going to single out one trade, let's be fair and shit on lawyers and convenience store clerks and any other fucker in this free world, who trades their time and skills for money, too. To be clear about language and labels, prostitute, n. 2. One who sells one's abilities, talent, or name for an unworthy purpose. We all do it, a lot.

...Anyway other than the word 'massage' itself, it's all quite clear if you can operate a search engine on your google machine or use a little deductive reasoning, which I do understand is a lot to ask either way. Regardless, "Massage" (what they're doing) gets confused with massage (what you're doing). And even if your ad said "Trained, unregistered massage therapist, $50/hour, evenings and weekends. Specialize in neck pain and carpal tunnel." you would still get requests for handjobs, blowjobs, footjobs, boobjobs, extras, happy endings, release, dildos in the ass, strapon fucking, facesitting, golden showers, gang bangs, bondage, full body contact rubs,  and whatever the fuck else these boys have seen in a porno this week.

Do you think this bitch gets asked if they provide manscaping services?
Ya, it's a bitch's ad, too.
I honestly don't know if these guys ask their mechanics, dentists, or cleaning lady for "extras". Or maybe it's their "normal" because they're cool with their wives offering complimentary sex services through their job at the post office, or the schoolhouse, or courthouse, or jailhouse, or the local supermarche? That's pretty cool that they can manage an open relationship like that, it takes skill and a lot of communication for open marriages to work well. Or perhaps it's that they offer sexual fantasy fulfillment services to their own clients and customers... "Open a savings account today, get a free handjob! Call Todd for a good time banking!" "This week only, roof replacement 20% off, includes a happy ending all over the foreman's face!" "Join our customer loyalty program and receive a golden shower for every ten points you earn!!" Is this the current world of commerce? I mean, I haven't had to replace my deck in the last few years, do contractors really provide anal sex as a bonus to their customers? My guess is that if any of these guys has a daughter, or a sister, or even a mom, he definitely hasn't thought through how she would feel being solicited for prostitution while she's at work. And he hasn't thought through how he would feel about how she would feel about being solicited for prostitution while she's at work.

Maybe they simply don't consider a handjob to be a sexual service. Perhaps to hide from the idea that they are in fact hiring a prostitute if they get a handjob in exchange for money. Or is it that the handjob should be free because she is just that altruistic, which implies an emotional attachment? I'm not sure if that's when she becomes a "slut" for "givin' it away"?!  A handjob is a sexual service, for the record. "Direct sexual stimulation or penetration, for money, without emotional attachment" are what the hard to find definitions of prostitution are. So, technically speaking, if your housekeeper also sucks your dick, she is a prostitute who cleans houses. While marriage is essentially the same thing, a trade of this for that, the law does not observe that marriages are also a form of prostitution. Though I suppose if you never give it up to your husband, you're off on a technicality. Instead, you're classified as a Bait and Switch Artist, which I think is a lot fucking worse than being a Ho any day of the week. It's just an opinion. Get your panties out of that bunch, you just might learn something today.

While it is for money, and without emotional attachment, and overt as their trade is, erotic dancers are not prostitutes. Stripper services are all delivered through indirect sexual stimulation. They don't actually rub your cock, penetrate you or get penetrated. In a lot of places, you're not any physical contact. The sexual stimulation is all through your eyes, and if you care to engage it, your imagination. Professional Dominatrices, same deal- no organ rubbing, no penetration, for the money, with little or no emotional attachment, although I think the detachment is part of the deal with that kind of role-playing. If she provides direct "organ" stimulation, or penetration, she is in fact, a Pro Ho who provides BDSM roleplay as well. Getting a boner cuz your lunch server has amazing tits and you caught a flash of her cleavage when she bent for cutlery, does not make her a prostitute. Again, it's indirect stimulation, from an unwitting source. No dick rubbing, no penetration, regardless of the fact that she too, has stimulated your senses and is there without emotional attachment, for the money. Massage therapists, like FML, are also in it for the money, without emotional attachment, no boner rubbing or penetration. The girls advertising "bodyrub services" who are willing to provide more/other services, advertise it quite freely.

Oooh, getting all serious but the truth of the matter is that it's illegal to solicit sexual "favours" and if I were you, I'd be inclined to remind them of that fact. As far as the technicalities surrounding harassment go: The first time they ask, it's a question. Once you've already said "No", it has become sexual harassment. You might also be inclined to want to mention that fact. But maybe I'm a confrontational bitch and it would simply be best for your mental and emotional health if you avoid the potential clients who make you feel uncomfortable. Your alternatives are a) go work at Dairy Queen for minimum wage, burn out on your studies cuz you're too tired from working and flunk out of school- or worse, pass barely and accidentally kill me by giving me the wrong medication when I'm in the hospital under your care b) ask your boyfriend if he minds if you guys become less exclusive so you can give handjobs for grocery money, if you want to go that route. And/or charge $700 for the massage and throw the handjob in for free... if you have an exclusive sexual relationship with this boyfriend, it is cheating to give other guy's sexual satisfaction, whether it's kissing, petting, oral or fucking. Whether you're gettin' paid (Professional Cheater) or not (Regular Ole Cheater), it's only fair to disclose this kind of stuff to your partner. At least that's the way I see it. We can agree to disagree on this, or any point. And obviously there are more than those two options but I don't fucking know you so two is what you get.

I don't know if men forget, or are really just that clueless at times, but you're right, sometimes it is scary when you are alone (vulnerable) and a man is making unwanted sexual advances. Men are generally bigger and stronger, and these people are strangers, so who knows what the fuck goes on in their minds. A little self defense training goes a long way. It might be a good idea, in general, just to help you feel safer with the knowledge that IF anything does come up you're as prepared as you can be. That's just generally good advice for women. More guys are harmless, than not. But the harmful ones really fuck shit up, so being prepared is all you can really do. 

Good luck!
~Imma



2 comments:

  1. Great Post, Love it. You are very funny, and still serious about the point. Good job!

    P.S. Love the headline as well!

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Katherine, I just re-read it and I can't help but notice how fucking wise I am at times ;)

    ReplyDelete