Booty Winning Consultations

Oh no! What's gonna happen in 9 hours??!!?! 
Teaser: It's a win for you and for me.

Yay, winning!!

Sarcasm Expires in 12 Hours!!

Did you know...

Steamy Stories of Smut

How is it that

Apples and Oranges

I wonder how many times

What's Your Fetish?

This one is also known as Reviews From The Nut Gallery FORE. Here are the first three

So, here I am, writing my ass off and everyone keeps asking what my fetish is. I'll be the first to

But I Can't And Other Excuses

YOU ARE HERE!

This round of words is all about how to explain how you managed to get HERE, without identifying yourself as a person who searches for porn online. I have the analytics, I know the key words that bring randoms here :)

Why would you need to share? Duh, to help me out, so I can continue to entertain you and tell you why girls won't talk to you at recess.

Warning: Fuckface Ahead!

Dating Law #37

Signals: The Where To of How To, Booty Styles

I'll talk to anyone, it's just the way I am designed. Zero fucks given.

I'm a closeted stand up comedian so an audience, any audience, invokes my funny bone. Add to that the fundamental concept that laughter is the best medicine, and that in some twisted parallel universe I am a

Ask A Hot Chick - Five

Q: I think I've figured out that I was avoiding "getting out there" by trying the online dating thing...

A: I think that your logic , to try out for the Online Dating Olympics, is sound. The odds are kind of fucked with the numbers in play, males 95, females 5, 3 of them pros, 1 BBW and 1 wild card. The wild card may have 5 kids or a husband. So, it's 95 to 1 or 2. So, that one or two percent is proof that not everything is too good to be true.

Fluff

1- My #lesbian #lover said I was overdue to fuck somebody, or at least have #sex @danieltosh again  http://donorsforboners.blogspot.ca/2012/07/future-ex-husbands-and-how-to-use.html

Ask A Hot Chick - Two

Respect is probably a little too much to ask considering we live in the real world and everything.

Anyone with a more balanced Hotness Measuring System
is welcome to defend this more than I care to.
Oh, wait, you already did...
right here.
Fucks given about anyone's approval: ZERO.
It's paramount to my hotness.

Ask A Hot Chick - One

"Question: women think I am kind and great yet those comments always come from attached women. Why is it so difficult to find a sexy amazing woman who is single who will actually like me? Apparently those women all find me too average"


Well, I hate to have to state the obvious

More Rape Talk: Creeps of all Ages

Let's set this up with the "half plus seven" rule. Or the"double minus seven" rule if you're on the other end of things.


What?? You don't know about the 1/2+7 Rule? I'm here for you. If you're Fuck Informed already, skip down a few paragraphs, this part'll just be a refresher course for you. What's "Fuck Informed"? ... Oh God, please don't tell me you think about sex this much and haven't done any research on our favourite topic. Seriously, how can you spend so much time thinking  and dreaming about anything and know nothing about it???  S'ok, I'm here to help you get "Fuck Informed", I'll stop judging your ignorance long enough to help you kill that ignorance. I'm a humanitarian like that.

Future Ex-Husbands and How To Use The Internet

I can help but think it,
It's the only thing keeping me on the fence.

Wrong, Soldier. My half-assed commitment to heterosexuality is impervious to all this grossness. It's like saying that because I saw some really disgusting people out there today that I am off sex forever. There are plenty of -9 asses wearing Lululemons outside of yoga studios. Plenty of greasy, pregnant looking men following along beside street cars and leering at nubile young things with 4% body fat. That couple who would read the bible and then make out like teenagers... Fuck, their memory makes me throw up in my mouth a bit.

What kind of twisted fuck am I to assault us all with that imagery? Probably some kind of fight or flight mechanism to preserve my status as a cock lover

WTF? DTF? SWM? MWM? ffm? BDSM? WTF?

Okay, I just read the funniest shit ever. I'm hoping it's composer will come in on guest blog duty with it. Fucking hilarious to the point that words escape me in trying to describe it to you. Yes! Words escaped me.

The best description I can give is that it's kind of an inside joke thing between non-chodes. The closest real world, ready reference I can come up with would be

"Can I borrow a feeling?"

It's kinda funny that when I actually ask for dicktures, you guys get all shy and quiet.


Is it that you enjoy the risk of being exposed,

"99 Problems"

Well, that's not actually true. Only two posts in and these bitches want to turn me into Dear Abby... hot.

Bitches, I do love you and I'm genuinely sorry your problems exist, or that you're too dim to avoid them. If I had a magic wand, an actual magic rather than the euphemistic penis you'd be offered in a lot of other venues, I could wave that shit and happily ever after could be yours. Maybe I'll check out E-bay and see what I can do. In the meantime, you could attempt to:

-avoid going out with someone if you think he's a loser. Granted, you don't always know until you go out, but H, you knew in advance of The Date that you had no interest in the guy. "Free dinner" is a shitty excuse to go out with